


Jealousy sky

by orphan_account



Series: The beginnings - old works [8]
Category: Finnish Music RPF, The Rasmus
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, F/M, M/M, Written in 2013, old works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-10
Updated: 2013-09-10
Packaged: 2018-07-15 16:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7229404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>set in 2011</p>
    </blockquote>





	Jealousy sky

**Author's Note:**

> set in 2011

  
-1-  
Suuvi had her first day off ward. She didn't feel ready to be pushed back in the world outside her so safe bubble but somehow her therapist thought that she needed that kick off to keep on progressing. Suuvi didn't notice any progress at all. She still refused to eat except they forced that itching tube inside her nose and down her sore throat. She was still harming herself whenever she didn't feel able to deal with herself. Sighing she stepped out of the clinic were she lived for the past half year already and into the sunny day of Helsinkis bright July. The light burned her eyes in a matter of seconds and made her squint. Suuvi took hold of the cold rough brick wall next to her. She felt the nausea creeping up her weak body sending cold chills down her visible spine. She wasn't ready at all. She didn't want to face the outside world. Every inch of her body was tensing in protest but Suuvi knew that they didn't expect her return to the ward before 6 p.m.   
She forced her feet forward in an unsteady rhythm trying her hardest to remember the way towards Tuomiokirkko. She thought it would be at least a challenge to visit the huge white church of her hometown where she always felt safe drowning in the mass of unknown strangers and tourists. There he wasn't able to find her. When she had been younger and still in school she loved sitting on the cool steps of the stairs in front of Senatorri with her best friends Lauri and Aki. This time had been the best in her entire life but was long gone. Shaking she made her first steps into the unknown of the city that had become so foreign to her.   
The memory of old days hit her hard and she couldn't supress the tears rolling down her pale face as she thought about her former best friends. What might have happened to those 2 cute boys that had been so desperately in love with one another without knowing. The streets doesn't seem to have any end at all. All the street names seem to be a long gone story. She felt so disconnected that she didn't even recognize the church of silence- magnet for all those nordic loving tourist- nor any other monument. Her city was a faint blurry scrap on the disc of her broken memory.   
A fresh breeze made her shiver desperately wishing herself back in the comfort of her thick blanket of her clinic bed where she was able to shut out everything and anyone. She felt dizzy since she skipped breakfast and she was freezing but the nurse who had helped her getting dressed in the morning said it would be part of the test to go out. It had already been a major fight for Suuvi to be allowed to put on her wristbands which covered her forearms. She felt so ugly already. It wasn't necessary to raise even more attention to herself. Besides all that Suuvi didn't want to harm any strangers around her by showing off the results of her self hate. She was ashamed. That was her own dark secret she didn't want to share with anyone else. She never spoke in the group settings nor at the single appointments. She couldn't. Sometimes when she was lying in her bed at night quietly sobbing to herself and scratching her arms to stop her renewed cuts from healing she silently whispered to herself. Finally she reached Senatorri and stopped at the sight of the mass of people. Fear chilled her blood down to ice cold water that was scrubbing along the insides of her veins. She didn't want to be touched by anyone. This beloved place turning into a huge nightmare for her all over sudden. The voice of her therapist repeated itself in her mind. "If you are able to stay outside at least you reached a mini step back to life. Do something good for yourself. Set a goal. It can be everything from buying a CD up to just a cup of coffee or whatever."  
Suuvi fought unseen wars inside herself. She wanted to get better. She wanted the help those people were offering when she had been shipped in for attempted suicide. She just couldn't get outta her own skin. The circle of fear and self hate was spinning way too fast downwards. Nervously Suuvi surveyed the happenings on Senatorri from some street corner before she felt stable enough to walk over to the stairs. If she would made it to sit there for at least 5 minutes. She really wanted to do baby steps even if it wasn't much. She had lost the connection to the girl she had been ages ago. Suuvi tried her hardest to get through the mass of tourists rushing around the place. She breathed in deep in relief as she reached the staircase without even someone touching her. Carefully she sat down and stared off into nowhere in particular. "I can't go on living this way and I can't go back the way I came..." Her MP3 kept on blaring at her. That summed up almost everything she was feeling. Trapped inside herself with no way to escape the endless tournament of her broken soul.

-2-  
Lauri sighed and pulled on his shoes and coat. Jonne was still asleep as he left for the studio meet up with Pauli. Jonne wasn't doing much else then sleeping and starting ridiculous fights with him for no further reason. Since Sir Christus left the band Jonne started to act more and more like a selfish selfcentered asshole. Lauri swallowed it up without complaining about being his personal punchingball. Nevertheless he was getting tired of it but still he loved that blonde head to death. Lauri knew exactly that Jonne was just trying to cope with the past events. When Rasmus was about to split after the 3rd album didn't sell and the management dropped them along with their company he was behaving just the same.   
Sighing he stopped at his regular Starbucks to get his daily amount of coffeine for the short walk to the studio. Usual it took him just between 10 and 15 minutes to walk so he didn't see a use to go by car. Lauri sipped the brown sugared life safer from his paper to go pot and crossed several streets to get to Tuomiokirkko and from there over to Kamppi were the studio would be almost a stone away. As he reached Senatorri he rubbed his face roughly. It was a quarter before ten and the tourists were already taking up the entire place. He made his way towards the stairs to shorten his way without spilling coffee everywhere while the people were already pushing one another to keep the passing street free. Is it Vappu or something? Lauri tried to remember the important days to find a solution for the huge amount of people but couldn't come up with any explanation for the entire mess.  
He usually disliked packed places. It reminded him too much of touring when all the fangirls always try to drown him. Southern regions being the worst in that case. People were squeezing that much that he couldn't move his indexfinger on his own when there wouldn't be a pile of bodyguards forcing him through the crowd of people.   
He reached the staircase making his way across them, passing sitting people scattered everywhere while being deep in thoughts about a lyric line that was bugging him since he had showered. He was pushed aside roughly trying his hardest to keep his balance when the coffee almost jumped out of the mug burning his hand. "Fuck!" he hissed changing the coffee into his other hand and quickly sureyeing the situation. A girl right next to him in a white top looked up at him in utter shock. His coffee was making his way slowely into the fabric of her shirt but she didn't seem to notice the burning liquid.   
"I'm so sorry!" Lauri apologized as he pulled out a pack of tissus from his greenish light summerjacket he usually wears while sailing. He pulled a few out and handed them over but she doesn't seem to realize. Not another fan Lauri thought before kneeling down next to her placing the coffeepot down while he went. Her long black hair framing the fragile face with oceanic eyes that were filled with disbelief and fear. Lauri debated what to do as she quickly looked down hiding herself behind the strains before she pushed his hand with the tissues away from her. She didn't spoke one word. Lauri tried it in English, German and the broken pieces of Spanish he remembered from touring but she either was deaf or just really really shy.   
He tried to catch another glimpse of her face. Somehow she reminded him of someone he used to know. But he wasn't 100% sure. To often his memory had betrayed him. Lauri dropped the tissues in front of her feet, trying his hardest to give her some space.  
"I won't do any harm to you or offend you or something. I'm just really sorry I spilled my coffee on you. " he tried to lessen this awkward moment. She looked away, overviewing senatorri and quickly nooded her head sharply. Lauri hoped she understood his motives but he wasn't ready to leave her to herself like that.  
"Do I know you?" he tried asking out of the blue. The nagging of something famliar in her attitude confused him way too much for his liking. Stunned she looked up at him wide eyed shaking her head wildly before she got to her feet in a hurry, running off and knocking his coffee over as she rushed away leaving a small box behind that had fallen out of her pocket.   
Lauri could only stare after her disappearing shadow and tried to understand what just had happened. Her wide blue eyes so hurted yet so familiar where still on his mind. Lauri was used to almost everything by now.  
People fainting on him.   
People jumping on him.  
People who crushed him into a hug hard.   
People who flung their arms around his neck or started crying heavily and all that kind of stuff.   
But never someone had run of like she did. It almost felt like she fled  of him.  
Lauri flinched as the sudden hot coffee soacked into the tip of his sneaker. He looked down and stepped out of the mess as he recognized a little box next to his soacked tissues she must have lost.     
Lauri picked it up and went on to the studio cursing to himself.   Had he been too rude? He twisted the little box from one to the other hand before putting it back into his coat deciding to deal with it later on, when he had finished to sort stuff with Pauli out. He shoot a glimpse at his cell recognizing he was way too late and started to run. Thankfully the regular jogging he did finally paid off.    
-3-  
Suuvi didn't turned around trying her hardest to get as far away from him as possible. Even though her heart told her that he just wanted to be nice, her head thought differently. Never in her entire life would she forget those green eyes fixing her to the ground. Out of all people she could have walked into it needed to be him. Seeing him after all those years pulled the trigger inside her.   
She knew if she had stayed she would have poured her entire heart out to him. Back in school all those ages ago things had been differently. Lauri would have never refused to listen to her but nowerdays they weren't as close as they once had been. They were strangers. She was nothing like back in school. The girl Lauri might thought to have recognized had already died a few years back.   
She didn't even feel her feet. Her entire body had gone numb and cold as he had spoken those first words. His voice still as shy, kind and comforting as usual. Nothing in the world would ever sound like him. Her tears blurred her vision as she turned into an alley sinking down to the ground and curled up into a ball. The decision to go out today had definetely been the wrong one. She was shaking like crazy and tried her hardest to hold herself together. She felt incredible sick. Her mind was racing too fast as she tried to remember the voice of one of the nurses on ward explaining her how to calm herself down if needed. But she was unable to concentrate on it. The pressure breaking her apart seemed to put her on explode mode if she wouldn't find a way to compose herself. All she could do was watching the world slipping further away. She was angry about herself for running of like this. She was angry about her starring at him. She was entirely embarassed about making a fool of herself by not talking to him. Things could have been so easy if she wouldn't be such a damn coward. Her fingernails were digging hard in the palms of her hand but it doesn't seem to make any difference. Franatically Suuvi started searching in her pockets for the little first-aid-pressure box she had put together with her therapist for incidents just like this one. She couldn't find it. Her breath speading up even more as she realisezed she might have lost it somewhere. The worst case of Lauri finding it popped into her mind. Desperately she tug at her sleeves before pushing them up her elbows revealing the old stained bandages. She ripped them off. Pulling some older gashes in her skin open anew in the process. Suuvi dug her nails into her right forearm scratching it hard without the beloved result. It seemed to rip her apart. The release far away for her to catch up. She glanced around loosing it completely by now but she couldn't care less. Some dirty glass shardes right next to her shoe fixed her attention. She quieckly took hold of one pressing the sharp edge onto the delicate pale skin searching for a sign of herself as she pushed it in and across. First she thought she failed again as it seemed to haven't caused any damage before slowely but surely some tiny red drops appeared and glid down her arm. Taking the way across the palm of her hand before slidding down her ringfinger. Suuvi released a breath she didn't noticed she'd been holding. The world around her blurring slightly before the spinning in her head started to slow down. Her breathing calmed down the further her panic vanished as she started to feel herself again. Nothing would ever comfort and calm her like the pain she caused herself with her own hands. She didn't know what she'd been expecting after all. This relief was her only friend since she grew up. Almost like she would've been born with it. Suuvi was aware that this self destructive aimed behavior wasn't doing her any good that's why she was classified as unfit for looking after herself in the first place. Suuvi realised that she was still crying to herself. Furious she wipped away the salty drops and supressed to let out any more. What's the point anyway. If he would remember her old self after all he would have said something earlier then. Didn't he say anything famliar to these lines? The voice in the back of her mind responds to her.   
No fucking way. Suuvi was close to shout that out aloud. No he just can't. It been hard enough to be scared of anyone else finding her. And after all Lauri had looked pretty business like. He properly just been on his way to work and was far too busy to go and search for such a fucking waste of space like her. Suuvi sighed and got to her feet. The cold of the ground wasn't the reason for any hurry but she knew this evening she would have enough time to lock herself up inside. She pulled the sleeves down again holding them firmly between her thump and indexfinger. She wiped the remained red stains away on her black skirt und straightened her T-Shirt before looking around nervously. It took her quite a while to locate where she was herself. Down the allyway to her left she could see the tip of Tuomikirrko. She didn't want to go back there but knew she had to sometime later on. She turned to the opposite side leading her to the eastern harbor of Helsinki. The wind freshed up as she reached the big free place scattered with little markets. The scenery overwhelmed her. The huge Viking Line fairies leading over to Aland, Sweden, Denmark and across the baltic ozean towards Germany. She always loft to spend a day at the harbor. Seeing the tallship race in summer or the usually fairies taking off and arriving. It calmed her down. She settled on a free bench near a smaller old tree and just watched the waves crashing to the shore. The white foam licking on the thick stony walls of the harbor like a thirsty animal awaiting his next meal. The red huge ship to her left closed the heavy doors to the car park and she saw several people docking off the bridges to the upper decks. When she'd been a little girl she always wanted to be staff on one of those. Seeing every part of the world, cruising all over everywhere. She always wanted to see as much as her eyes could take inn. white sandy warm beaches, christal blue water, palms, all different animals. She dreamed of visiting New Zealand, discovering all the legendary places J.R.R. Tolkien described in his his famous books about middle earth. She wanted to hug a Koala bear and see the pinguins and polarbears. So many stuff the world was hidding vor a discovery but sadly Suuvi had never seen any other part of the wide world except for the short 3 day long trip to Malmö Sweden when she was in school. She loved Helsinki nevertheless cause at the end of the day it was still the city she had been born to 26 years ago.

-4-  
Lauri reached the studio a bit late but thankfully Pauli immidiately sensed the state his best friend was in and didn't had a go on him. He hold it back not saving it for later but out of respect. "Huomenta. " "Huomenta Pauli. " Lauri muttered under his breath seeming half asleep or at least far away with his thoughts. He almost bumbed into the coffee table as he made his way through the lounge towards the wardrobe and wiggled out of his coat.   
"Hey mate what's wrong?" Pauli asked concern covering up his voice.   
"Nothing. Nothing. Sorry my friend. " Lauri went over to the kitchen fetching himself a cup of coffee. He almost burned his hand as he reached for the boiling kettle to fill up his mug. Sighing Lauri set the kettle down rubbing his face in an attempt to wake up himself. His thoughts refused to let go off the girls image. It was burned in the backside of his mind. He couldn't remember seeing such fearfull eyes ever before. It was just a tiny little second he had faced her eye to eye but it felt like forever.  
"Lauri are you sure you're ok?" Lauri jumped half foot in the air as Pauli's heavy hand gently came down on his left shoulder.  
"What?" He smiled faintly feeling somehow tired all over sudden. Pauli led him over to the table settling him on a chair before he finished Lauri's mug of coffee and placed it on the table in front of his friend before pouring another one for himself and sitting down opposite him.  
"I haven't seen you this jumpy in ages mate. What happened? Did you had a fight with Jonne again? Still a mad house with Aki going on?" Lauri slowely shaking his head.   
"None of the mentioned. " Pauli frowned at him.   
"What the fuck happened to you to get you in this state?"   
"It's nothing. Really. It will pass. " Lauri murmured under his breath.   
"Don't give me the piss. Something is going on in the cute little head of yours. You can talk to me about everything. You should know by now, don't you?" Pauli saw how hard Lauri was struggling with himself.  
He'd never been much of a talker anyway. Forcing the words out of him wouldn't work at all. Lauri was tempting to just shut up and don't bother his friend with his childish problems of interacting with other human beings but couldn't get past the point. Maybe Pauli could ease his overpowering worries after all. He sighed heavily still fixing the table in front of him before he shoved his hand in the right pocket of his pants dropping a tiny mettalic black box on the table.   
Pauli gulped down the bile rising in his throat. He'd been expecting the worst of the worst. The fact of Lauri struggling with drugs heavily attacked his mind. He composed himself quickly eying his friend with a sudden new kind of interest but patiently waiting for him to go on.   
"I was on the way to the studio. I left Jonne soundly asleep at home tugged up in his covers as usual. " Lauri started. His voice barely above a whisper. Pauli nodded shortly to reassure his best mate to go on with whatever was lingering on his mind.   
"I took the short lane across Sanatorri after my regular stop at Starbucks. Someone pushed me aside as I was making my way across the stairs and my damn coffee jumped out on me burning my hand. " Lauri sighed. His face screwed up shortly as he recoiled the pain in his memory. Pauli took a sip of his coffee mug eying Lauri over the rim of it who fiddled with the black box. So far everything sounded pretty normal to Pauli. Nothing special just a casual day as usual. "Unfortunately I spilled my coffe on some girls top too." Pauli chuckled at the imagination of that and watched Lauri's ears flashing a slightly shade of red.   
"Oh mate. Shit happens! Don't blame yourself for spilling coffee on some random girls shirt. This happens to the best of us."   
"That's not the point Pauli!" Lauri hissed at him in mocking anger but dropping his gaze back down on his mug quickly.  
"What? What's so special about it? Was it Björk?" A small smile lifted the corner of his friends lips.   
"Nahhhh derp head!"  
"But you'd wished it been her?" Pauli chuckled. Lauri shook his head sharply.   
"I dunno, it somehow been a strange feeling." Lauri still hesitated. His hands tugging impatiently at his hair, pulling it roughly in an effort to gather up some courage.   
"I guess I know her or at least had known her. I don't know she was so different but still so familiar. " Lauri sighed desperately. Pauli eyed him up and down.   
"Has she disappointed you?" Pauli asked gently. Lauri shook his head in denial.   
"Pauli I'd never ever seen so much fear in anyones eyes. She just... she ran off. She didn't even seem to notice me nor the fact she lost something. " Lauri took grip of his cooling down coffee mug and forced a few mouthful down his throat. Pauli felt pity for the state his best friend was in.   
"What do you want to do about it?" he asked after silence had lingered for a while between them.   
"I'm not yet sure."He looked down on the box uncertainly. Would it held any answers?   
Pauli boiled a few more coffees in the meanwhile waiting for Lauri to make his decision.   
"Pauli what should I do?" he asked desperately.   
"What your heart tells you to. " Pauli smiled. Lauri chuckled quietly.  
" That's exactly the same advice you gave me when I was unsure about how to chat up Jonne. " Pauli grinned.  
"Well birdbrain did it work?"   
"No. I'm currently dating joulupukki. " Lauri stuck his tongue out at him. Pauli chuckled hard as Lauri darted for the box again. A nervous sigh escaped his lips as he finally seemed to find the courage to open it. He forced the nail of his thumb in the tiny gap pressing a bit as it finally snatched open. The metal rattled on the wodden panel with some sort of scratching echo that would made your teeth hurt like fuck.   
"Ewwww. " Pauli was heard and flinched at the noise. A note was scattered on the table among with several other items. Lauri was slightly taken aback. He hasn't been ecpecting something like this. He tried his best to concentrate on the different objects in front of him. It made no sense to him. There was a lighter, some tissues and bandages. a tiny bottle filled with a strange fluid, one hair band, a red marker and the note that had spilled out with it. He reached for it feeling uncertain all over sudden. A soft shaddered sound was heard as he picket up the sheet of paper. Pauli frowned over the rim of his cup and looked around nervously.   
"What was that?" Lauri shrugged and quickly scanned the kitchen.   
"I told you the day we bought the studio that it is spooky here. " Pauli grinned falling serious again as Lauri grimaced.   
"Nah no ghost's Pauli. I guess I know what it was. " Lauri pointed to the wooden surface of the table in front of them. The headlight was reflecting sharply on a razorblade. This was getting more and more strange with every second. Lauri was wondering if he really should bother with this any longer. He was tempted to put everything back in the box, lock it and toose it to the trash. He was really tempted to do so.   
Pauli sniffled at the little bottle in the meanwhile screwing up his face. "Woah jezz fucking christ!" he hissed.  
"What?" Lauri asked worried.  
"Who the fuck in hell carries ammonia around if you are not up to kill someone!" Lauri shrugged his shoulders unfolding the paper nervously.  
His breath was about to get stuck in his throat that had tighten up as he read the name that was offered to him on the innocent white sheets of paper. "Suuvi Salonen. Born 7th June 1983 in Vantaa." he whispered more then spoke and was still in shock to see his hunch testified. Beneath her name was the adress of Helsinkis hospital with a phone number of a ward. He felt his hard sank. He knew that phone number all too well.  
-5-  
When the evening started to set down on Helsinki and the darkness slowly crept it’s way in every tiny gap and alley way, absorbing the last ounce of light Suuvi dragged herself back on ward. She had been sitting motionless on the cold bench at the harbour for the rest of the day, getting lost in herself and followed the waves crashing to the shore. She watched tourist’s toddling their way to the fairies heading for Stockholm, Oslo, Suomenlinna, Talliin and all those other cities far away from where she was stuck. Her gaze more or less firmly fixed onto the huge Viking Line’s drifting off deep inside herself.  
The nurse on duty greeted her friendly, not noticing the empty look Suuvi gave her in response as she dashed off into her room at the end of the corridor after agreeing to join the rest of her group for dinner. Suuvi just clicked the lock shut behind her as she had entered her room. She wasn’t going anywhere. Her stomach churned in discomfort at the missed out dinner but Suuvi didn’t even noticed that she was hungry.  
Quickly she undressed and headed straight for the shower fully aware that she wasn’t going to emerge from it under one hour of time. She sat under the hot steam of water for what felt like ages before she started to wash her hair.  
The tension mostly slipping out of her muscles the longer the boiling water pelted down on her. Drop by drop gliding down her body, disappearing down the drain.  
She wished all her guilt, all her shame would just be washed away with the foam burning in her eyes as well as in the refreshed gashes that scattered her entire body.  
She gave up on the thought of the dirt to be washed off ages ago. She know some things would stuck forever, no matter what she tried to get rid of it and no matter how hard she would try to scratch it off. Simply lasting for as long as she lived.  
She followed the remains of blood vanishing into thin air leaving her with the feeling of needing to cause more damage just by the mere thought of the bleeding stopped.   
Shivering Suuvi got out of the shower, quickly grabbing the soft cotton of her towel while she dried herself off not running a second thought about her wet hair dripping previously onto her shoulders as the shout of the nurse on duty entering her room made her tense up within the batting of an eyelid. She didn’t want to face anyone nor speak to but she was aware there would be no way out of it.  
Suuvi wrapped herself up embarrassed that she hadn’t thought about bringing any new clothes with her as she dashed in and feeling offended by the cheer fact that the staff was always able to unlock the door. She missed the privacy of her own place she once owned before she’d been dragged into all that mess that brought her here on ward in the first place.   
It was your own suicide attempt; the well known voice in the back of her mind echoed making a cold shiver creeping down her spine as the memory was about to swallow her back in a flashback of past events.  
“Suuvi?” the nurse urged again knowing fully well that she was hiding in the bathroom. Her hand was shaking as she finally pushed the handle and stepped out of the steamy bathroom not daring to look up and meet the nurses gaze full of pity on the mere sight of her uncovered body wrapped up in the tiny towel barely hiding anything at all.   
The cold air stung her sore skin sharply as it made contact with the still open wounds that covered her along with the bruises as she winced by the mentioning of her name once again and struggled to pull on a jumper and a pair of her jogging bottoms as quickly as she was able to move to hide herself from the nurses checking gaze who eyed her closely.  
“I have a phone call for you on the line Suuvi.” She offered her a small smile of reassurance. Suuvi frowned at her, wondering who have found out where she had gotten to and what this person wanted from her. Fear slowly crept his way through every fibre of her body sucking into her brain and replacing the emptiness and covering up the small relief the pain had given her earlier.  
Her bottom lip started to tremble at the prospect that he might have tracked her down nevertheless as the nurse observed her battling silently with herself. She couldn’t force the unspoken question over her lips, being too afraid of the possible answer she would get in response.   
“Do you want to get it?” she asked gently and Suuvi couldn’t nod nor deny. She was frozen to the spot as if the lighting had struck her, the nerves racking her body in tension. The nurse pressed a few buttons on the handset she still held out, properly ending the all so beautiful answering machine telling the caller to hold the line and quickly spoke to whoever was on the other end.   
“Listen mister I’m not sure if Suuvi is available right now.” Regardless her fear the curiosity of who was calling her got the best of Suuvi as she quickly launched for the handset. The nurse flashed her a smile as she let go of the receiver and surveyed how Suuvi hold it to her ear with trembling hands. Her fingers almost having difficulties to hold the receiver to her ear making sure the mouthpiece wasn’t covered by her cheek in case she decided to say something. She recognized Lauri’s voice straight away. Still afraid but not as much as whom she’d been expecting to have called she listened to his apology for bothering the nurse.  
“I’m sorry miss Raanta is there any possibility to…”  
“Lauri?” her voice came out slightly choked and very thin and he had fallen silent immediately by the sound of her voice.  
“Suuvi?” He questioned in disbelief and slightly confused since he had just been told that she wouldn’t be available.  
She nodded but remembered the fact that he couldn’t see her and made an agreeing noise to show him she would listen to whatever he had to say. A thousand questions were running haywire in her head battling for the role of being the most urgent and most important one even though she was quite aware not one would leave her for real.  
“Hi Suuvi.” Lauri’s voice was filled with pure concern and he seemed to be a bit uncertain.  
“W…W..” She couldn’t utter one proper word as the realisation hit her. Lauri had found her for some reason and if he could what if someone else would also?  
“Why I phone you?” he guessed her answer and she was sure that he was currently smiling to himself. Suuvi muttered something inaudible in response.  
“I’m sorry to bother you. I bumped into you with my coffee this morning and as you left you lost this box and I thought you might want to have it back.” The air seemed to chill down into pure ice lingering in her lungs as Lauri pointed out the reason for his call.  
From all worst cases it must had been him finding her first aid kit, this also explained where he had gotten that number from.  
“Th…Thanks.” She took a deep breath trying to calm herself down as she listened to his soft voice once again.  
“If you want I can bring it over to you but just if you want, otherwise I could as well keep it till you decide to come and get it.” As he offered that choice to her she couldn’t prevent her face from flinching. Did she really wanted him to see her like this? Did she really wanted him to come to the clinic?   
“I dunno.” Her voice barely above a whisper. She shot a helpless glance at the nurse on duty who smiled encouraging at her.  
“What if I just drop by tomorrow afternoon? If you don’t want to see me I will just leave it at the nurse’s desk of your ward. I don’t want to force myself onto you.” He seemed to be slightly backing out just the way he acted back this morning, always polite and gentle. Trying to find the easiest solution that would please everybody. He paused, obviously giving her time to consider the options on her own.  
“O…Ok.” She mumbled shyly and Lauri sighed relieved in response. The nurse observed her every move as she scratched a spot behind her left ear clearly influenced by the young man’s voice at the other end of the line.  
“See you then.” Lauri tried to sound cheerful even though the conversation had been pretty much one sided. Suuvi couldn’t help herself as a small smile lifted the corners of her lips.   
“See you tomorrow Lauri.” His name left her lips as if she had never used any other ones name before with even the slightest bit of ease like she did as the “R” of Lauri’s name left her with the usual rolling sound she had used when they both had been in school together.

-6-  
Lauri put the receiver down with trembling hands. Pauli flashed him a brave smile and winked as Lauri sighed heavily. This phone call had took him quite some time till he had built up enough courage to actually dial the number of the psychiatric ward.   
“It wasn’t that bad, was it?” Pauli asked concern growing in his voce with every more word.   
“No it wasn’t as bad.” Lauri agreed and whipped across his closed eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m just afraid to find out what brought her there in the first place.” He mumbled almost inaudible.  
“I dunno mate but I guess and hope that it won’t be as bad as it was with M... Mikka.”  
“Yeah.” Lauri replied and both sighed as the memory of one of their oldest friends crossed their minds.  
Lauri still wasn’t able to say his name aloud and even Pauli had to put up a bit of a fight whenever they talked about their former friend and monitor technician. He was afraid it would disturb his peaceful rest down in his grave if he kept on talking about Mikka as if he would have never died. Silence filled the room for a far while as both smoked their cigarettes waiting to avoid or change the chapter but neither of them could bring up something different till the studio door banged loudly against the wall. Pauli and Lauri almost jumped half a foot in the air as Aki came bouncing down the aisle into the kitchen.  
“MOIKKA!” his cheerful voice reflected from the walls and filled half the studio to make sure no one would miss out on his entrance to the scene itself. Aki’s shouting got them moving as the blonde head peered around the door frame with a huge smile on his face.  
“Joo lazy buggers still sipping coffee instead of working I can’t believe my eyes.” He stated bemused and quickly grabbed himself a pot to settle down at the kitchen table were the supplies of Suuvi’s box were still on display.  
“What’s that mess all about?” Aki asked rising a patronising eyebrow at both of them and picked up the sharp razorblade to look at it bewildered as the headlight reflected into the cold metal.   
“Some of you getting a bit tired of life again?” he asked concerned and eyed specially Lauri with renewed interest who fidget on his chair in discomfort.  
“Nah not our business Aki.” Pauli replied with a small smile and sipped on his own coffee mug. Aki frowned and glanced at Lauri again.  
“You’re not having trouble with Jonne again, have you?” he asked as if he needed his best friend to prove his point once more. Lauri nodded absently.   
“I hope so or I’m going to be all after him you know that. I told you last week how annoying I think he is with his I-fucking-yell-at-you-whenever-I-feel-like-it attitude.” Aki muttered under his breath and cast Lauri one last stern look before he raised the bottle of ammonia to his face.   
“So what is all that fuss about?”  
“Nothing.” Lauri mumbled and snatched the tiny bottle out of Aki’s grip to stuff it back into the metal box with all the other supplies. He was sure he would find out about it all too soon the next afternoon. Hesitantly Lauri stuffed the box back into the pocket of his trousers and thankfully afterwards they dropped the theme for the rest of the day and started to work on the new demo Lauri had recorded on their latest tour.  
After some more caffeine and a rather short goodbye shouted around the office close to 4 p.m. was all that was left as Lauri closed the door of the studio behind himself and headed straight towards home. The cold metal of the box pressed down on his warm thigh as he crossed the side street of Senatorri to slip into the curt way next to Lehvon’s 24/7 Alko. For a few seconds he was tempted to stop by and get a bottle of Vodka or something else to drown his raising nerves at the sheer thought of tomorrows afternoon.  
“Don’t be such a wimp!” Lauri scowled at himself as he dragged a fag out of the slightly crumbled package, stored in the pocket of his left trouser leg along with the lighter which needed a few attempts to come to life before the hot steam and smell of nicotine started to made its way down his tighten up throat and eased his nerves with every drag he took.  
Lauri flashed a short glance up the façade of his house, his gaze fixed on the windows on the right side of the entrance meeting with a cold brick wall and dark windows. No light in the kitchen nor in the living room not even the faint glimpse of the running TV projecting a mess of different colours to the glass. Where the fuck had Jonne gone to?   
Lauri tried to remember if his boyfriend had mentioned anything about going anywhere tonight but his mind remained blank. Filled with discomfort he stomped up the stairs to ram his key into the lock of the front door before he dashed up the staircase. Mrs. Heerve from the ground floor appeared just as he reached the first landing screaming his name on the top of her lungs. “YLÖNEN!” Lauri sighed at the sight of her dressed in a pink fluffy bath robe with her pink dyed poodle next to her violet morning skirt swaying from the outlines of her fat figure and her hair rolled up on several curlers. He decided to keep on walking and tried to block out her shouting as best as possible.  
“IT HAD BEEN YOUR FUCKING DUTY TO CLEAN THE PAVEMENT THIS MORNING!” Who the fuck cares? Lauri supresses a sardonic smile as her booming voice seemed to reach her top ten best of the day.  
“IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME WITH YOU BLOODY MUSICIANS YOUR HEAD IS FULL OF NOTHING BUT LAZYNESS AND YOUR HANDS ARE GARANTEED WITH 2 LEFT THUMBS INSTEAD OF A FEW BRAIN CELLS TO GET ANYTHING DONE AT ALL! I WILL WRITE A COMPLAIN ABOUT YOU!” she yelled so half the house and neighbourhood would know from now on what the day of a musician to her eyes looked like. Lauri tried to shrug it off as he quickly unlocked the door to his apartment and shut it close.   
Sometimes those comments made him angry. People just were used to his smiling face from shit papers like Seiska and Ilta telling the most ridiculous lies he had ever heard but none of them bothered with days spend in uncomfortable climate of photo sessions, with much more fake smiles, dehydrating interviews with row in row of the same questions already answered for the 4th billion of time or about heavy nights in the recording booth of the studio when the final mixing of a song didn’t turned out the way it should and all work needed to be done once again; not to raise attention on the creativity and new ideas composing and wording of lyrics brought along with sleepless nights without caffeine pondering over stuff like titles and first of all album titles or what should become the new single. Left along the almost deaf like screaming of freaky teen girls trying to grab your ass, your hair or your groin, weeks apart from home in a smelly bus with usually 9 other men farting along for the need of their own life and a normal bed just irregularly every once in a while if the budget wasn’t needed for new cymbals, a broken amp or other gig related stuff. There were so many more facts about life as a musician people seemed to ignore for good.  
Lauri groaned in frustration as he kicked his shoes off and triggered the light bulb to life squinting as the sharp light bite his tired eyes before tossing his coat onto the nearest nail in the floor wall. He would do well with even more coffee than he already have had no matter if it was half past bloody midnight. His stomach was churning at the thought of tomorrow afternoon and meeting Suuvi again and he almost missed the muffled noise from the bedroom as he dashed ahead for a shower. So at least the muffled voices meant Jonne would be home properly snuggled up in bed watching mindless reality TV. “Lauri?” the shout reached his ear just as he had rid himself of his jumper and he sighed. Pity rose in him. He wasn’t asking to be greeted with rose paddles every day but at least a day with a normal “Hey darling.” Would be good enough but all he seemed to get lately was a flatly odd yell from somewhere inside those 4 walls he called his home.   
“Joooo!” Lauri muttered back half heartily as he quickly jumped under the warm comforting spray and shut all noises out, too busy rinsing his hair and playing fuck the rest of the world in a blurry water park full of foam and nice bubbles. The warmth pelting down on his tensed muscles seems to swallow him up in one go leaving him as relaxed as always. He was aware that Jonne might get slightly annoyed by his long term showers but that was all too usual. Lauri sighed content with himself as he dried his hair with a fresh warm towel from the radiator before whipping it back along with his fringe, brushing his teeth and paddling over to the kitchen with nothing more than a towel wrapped around his waist and a bit of toothpaste dripping onto his bare chest as he kept on brushing his advert smiling. He pressed a few buttons on his coffee machine and quickly flickered his gaze to the take away containers that littered his breakfast table indicating Jonne was well off and properly not on his own. A loud giggling along with some squealing from the bed room made Lauri jump in shock. He feared the worst as he grabbed his towel safely and rushed for the bed room door in a flash.  
With tooth paste foam still dripping onto his slightly hairy chest he snatched the handle and pushed the door open to see Jonne and Antti sprawled out on his bed laughing their asses off. He sighed in relief.   
Antti was no bad news to him. He was as straight as the lamp post at the corner of the street he had hit several times with his bike on his drunken way home and just another band member from Jonne’s band properly just dropped by to cheer him up after all the mess he had with Christus. Antti spotted Lauri instantly and his laughing grew harder than before as he observed Lauri’s foam still leaking onto his chest and slowly making its way down to the towel he still clung to with tightened fingers, afraid of might getting exposed to them by the next second. It felt almost like Antti would perve over this.  
Jonne’s gaze wandered over to Lauri and he cracked up laughing once more.  
“Hey sexy.” Jonne giggled and pointed his finger on him. Irritation filled Lauri’s expression as he closed the door again and made his way back to the bathroom. So far for an early night. He wasn’t too keen on putting up with Antti much longer.  
Lauri spat into the sink rinsing it quickly and getting rid of the tooth paste foam as he packed himself away in a fresh pair of boxers and headed over to the spare bedroom. The feeling of him and Jonne drifting apart from each other grew a bit stronger as he registered that his boyfriend didn’t even seemed to sense anything at all. Was it already so normal for him to live his life like his band would still exist and not falling apart, properly the answer to that seemed to be a big YES.   
Lauri frowned as he closed the curtains of the spare room and dug himself under the fluffy warm covers ready to get some strength back for his meeting with Suuvi. He shoved the second pillow over his head to block out any other noises and slipped over to the land of dreams quicker than he had expected as exhaustion nagged its way through his body.  
-7-  
Suuvi had spent most of her time after the nurse had left and re-entered to patch her cuts up just to leave again for good, huddled up on the floor. Occasionally she got up to rush for the bathroom retching and throwing up bitter bile in fact of the missed out food. Knowing Lauri would be here sometime the next afternoon and the possibility of having to face him had sent cold shivers down her spine and her guts churning into a tight knot leaving her feeling sick beyond believes.  
She still couldn’t fully progress that the guy she had always turned to in times of need had just been washed back into her life as she needed him more than anything else. Did she even deserve this? No, she didn’t. Suuvi felt guilty for Lauri having to turn up here, guilty for him to seeing his once best friend in such a miserable state, guilty for burdening herself on him by even calling on ward.  
Suuvi toddled over to her bed and snuggled up under the blankets. She didn’t even deserved to lie on this soft covered bed. She didn’t even deserved the pillow her head was resting on or the duvet that covered her shivering form.  
Disgust rose in her as she got out again and curled herself up into a ball on the floor next to the bed. She couldn’t allow herself to sleep in there tonight. Not after everything that happened. One of those old rituals breaking her habit as she lied there shivering from cold, scratching her arms and thighs where the bandages were itching trying to go to sleep desperately. It seem to took ages and still she was awake before her eyes finally gave in and shut tight. The nurse on duty the next morning woke her up with a frown on her face demanding to know why Suuvi had spent the night on the floor. Suuvi just shrugged in response and wrapped herself up in her bathrobe to follow the nurse to the weighing room. She was afraid of all the procedure. She never thought she would belong to any of those eating disordered girls who were lining outside like she had to. Suuvi could eat everything not thinking about calories she was just filled with too much disgust for herself and too sad to do so. It was her penalty for not being good enough. Starving, purging and binging wasn’t there to make her feel skinny. She just deserved it. Whenever she denied food she had taught herself a lesson of self-control and paid tribute to her self hate. That’s what all the fuss was about but no one would understand that. Suuvi avoided talking to anyone. The nurse wasn’t too impressed to see Suuvi had dropped weight again and snorted in disbelief at the numbers she had to jot down.   
“Oh Suuvi, you are here to get better not to get worse.” She said calmly in an attempt to make conversation but Suuvi just ignored her. “If this is dropping lower tomorrow you will go back to the feeding tube and strict bed rest you know that.” The nurse insisted and Suuvi just nod. She didn’t really care even though it would mean Lauri wouldn’t came back to see her since she wouldn’t be allowed any visitors as soon as she was set on tube again. With hanging shoulders Suuvi left to her room and dashed for another long shower to avoid the breakfast. She know she was digging herself into more trouble with her psychiatrist if she bends the rules like that but at that moment she couldn’t care less. Suuvi craved to see Lauri even if it was just one time. She wished for nothing more than to have someone embracing her telling her that there was some light at the end of the day and no closed door keeping her closed out of everything.   
She was furious with herself for setting so much hope in Lauri.   
He might just stopped by to check if they got you locked away correctly? The nasty voices in her head told her. Suuvi tried her hardest to block them out but didn’t succeed. Self hatred burned in her veins making it harder to breath. She knew she was about to panic just for the pure fact of even haven been giving a chance. What would he might expect? She was sure she would let him see her but she felt uncomfortable about it nevertheless.   
Suuvi emerged from the bath some hours later her throat still burning from the retching und snuggled into the blanket on the floor. Why couldn’t she just let things be? Why was she even here? That hasn’t been the plan in the first place. She never wanted to face the world again as she decided to attempt suicide. It wasn’t her first attempt but this one was supposed to be the final one. It was supposed to be the end of the line without return, but for some reason she haven’t managed to walk all the way and woke up bond to bed in this ward. Anger overpowered her. She would like to kill whoever had found her in the last minute. Why couldn’t people care about their own stupid shit. She had been so convinced no one would pass this dark alley she had hid in a few weeks back. It had been in the middle of the bloody night, everyone was either asleep or at some party in town, hitting the clubs. Apparently not everyone. She had underestimated the chances completely. Suuvi hung her head and snuggled deeper under the cover. Just her hair was poking out and her bare feet. She’d never asked who found her half dead, high on several tablets she took with a few mouthful of vodka and blood dripping from several cuts on her body. The worst one had been straight across her throat. It felt like a dream as she recalled how limb and numb her hand had felt as she had tried to cut her own throat with the scalpel she had bought earlier in the craft shop nearby. Silently sobbing to herself the pity for herself took grip of Suuvi and made her dive deeper into the soft material of the blanket that barely protected her from trembling in the cold air.   
The nurses always complained when she switched off the heating but to Suuvi freezing was just one more step on her way of self destruction. “I don’t deserve to be still alive.” She mumbled silently to herself crying even harder as a knock echoed around the room. She barely registered it at first before the sound of the open door and hushed voices of a discussion filled the room.   
“Yeah just judge me. I’m a fucking mess!” she mumbled bitterly holding onto the blanket even tighter, wishing to be invisible. Footsteps crossed the tiles on the floor as someone crouched down in front of her.  
Suuvi didn’t care and kept mumbling to herself, her voice filled with disgust and hatred just broken by sniffling because she couldn’t stop the tears soaking the white linen.  
“Suuvi?!” the soft voice was followed by gentle hand landing on her left shoulder making her almost jump out of her skin.  
“Just fuck off! I’m too worthless!” she mumbled her lip trembling as she choked out the words without knowing who was facing her. She curled up even more holding onto her knees even tighter, but the hand wasn’t leaving her.  
-8-  
Lauri have had a rough night with Jonne and Antti next door partying till the early morning, at least the light and the TV was still on when he had stumbled for the loo sometime that night. He felt knackered as he had put his coffee mug into the dishwasher and got ready for his day in the studio. He had spent the morning answering mails in his office and the time was ticking away so slowly that he got annoyed and by the end of lunch time he was about to jump at everyone who rung him for whatever business reason. His nerves were strained by fear and excitement as he finally could leave towards the hospital. His thumb frenetically rubbing over the pocket of his jeans to make sure the little metal box was still with him. Pauli had patted him on the back for encouragement and faster than expected he was at the information desk asking for Suuvi’s ward. He wanted to leave the decision to her but recognised straight away that he wasn’t even allowed to enter the ward. It had cost him almost 30 minutes of arguing with the head nurse till he was even let in.  
“Mister Ylönen usually we don’t let visitors come here unannounced. This is the strict ward without contact to the outside world, exceptions only made by the therapists on charge.” Lauri sighed to himself barely listening to the monologue the nurse was helding as she walked him to Suvvi’s room. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t phoned in advance and even yesterday it seemed to be much easier to get guaranteed access than it really was once he had gotten here. His worry grew even more as he almost had to fight to get let in. How bad must she be doing if they locked her away like she would be a danger to the world itself? The nurse peered into Suuvi’s room blocking the sight of Lauri and shaking her head before she stepped back and allowed him to enter.  
“Only 15 minutes and not any longer!” she reminded him once more before she walked of and closed the door behind him. Lauri could barely take in what greeted him. Seeing her huddled up on the floor sobbing her heart out with words full of hate wasn’t what he had expected, he wasn’t even sure anymore what he had been expecting at all. Slowly he approached her and crouched down in front of her trying to stay as calm as possible while his heart was beating in a fast rhythm and breaking with each thrust.  
“Suuvi?!” He hesitated a second before touching her shoulder trying to get her attention but she didn’t even seem to notice. He heard her mumbling going on.  
“Hiya pikku myy.” He called her old nickname softly seeing her flinch in the second the name left his lips. She rocked herself back and forth, the tears pouring faster from her eyes. Lauri felt utterly helpless and just embraced her trying to hush away her fears like he did when they were still at school. The difference was barely visible at all. He leaned his chin on her head .holding her tightly to his chest.   
“Oh Pikku Myy whoever hurt you will regret it sometime soon. I’ll chase away all the demons.” He whispered softly like he did so often when they were just kids. He remembered how tough Suuvi always acted while no one ever knew how fragile she was behind the façade. Not often but sometimes the cracks into her mascarade became visible for a few moments and at those times it was always Lauri holding her just like he did now.  
Suuvi clung to his shirt for dear life and Lauri just started talking silently hoping that whatever he was telling her might reach her.  
“I brought your box back Myy. I dunno if you might need it but it may help you.” He lifted one of his arms and fished the box out of his pants trousers without losing the embrace. Suuvi sniffled as he held out the box to her. She grabbed it and opened it quickly. Lauri watched her silently unsure about what to do or what she might do next.  
With trembling fingers Suuvi rummaged through the black box and took the little bottle of ammonia out. Lauri wanted to took hold of her wrist as she popped the bottle open, he was afraid that she might swallow the poison right in front of him the more confused he was as he watched her putting the bottle to her nose and breathing in deep with her eyes shut tight. Suuvi took a few deep breaths of the acid and closed the lid of the bottle resting her forehead back onto his chest. She was still trembling but no more crying. Lauri caressed her back in comfort waiting for her to say anything at all. It seemed like forever before her hushed voice was muffled by his shirt.   
“Thank you.” She whispered and hugged him tight.   
“It’s ok.” He soothed her. The questions in his head exploding like wildfire.  
“All better now Myy.” She nods slightly not letting go off an inch of his shirt.   
“I’m so sorry. I’m so embarrassing. I’m such a burden to you.” She rambled into the fabric.  
“No you’re not. Don’t think like this please. I was just shit worried outta my mind about you dear.”  
“So I am a burden.” She mumbled.   
“No you’re not! Stop that.” He lifted her face with his fingers to make her look up but she refused to make eye contact. His thumb slowly caressed her cheek.  
“You’re not a burden at all I just don’t know how that ammonia helped you. I was worried you might do serious damage to yourself with it.”  
“This was not my intention.” She mumbled avoiding his searching emerald gaze.  
“It…it takes the edge off. The sharp scent helps to distract and focus again. It…it just helps a bit.” She hid her face in the curve of his neck again.  
“Okay.” Lauri soothed and hugged her some more.  
“I’m sorry I scared you. I mean you don’t have to be here and watch a mess like me.” She whispered bitterly.  
“I came here to see you. All I can offer is too help you as a friend, like we used to when we were younger. I won’t force myself on you I just offer and t’s up to you if you want me to stay.” Lauri looked down on her fragile body feeling his heart ache. Whatever put his pikku myy in that state was too major for her to fight it all alone obviously.  
The door behind them was opened and the head nurse marched in.  
“I’m sorry but your time is up now. You got to leave Mr. Ylönen.”  
“NOOOO! Don’t leave me!” Suuvi started sobbing and wrapped her fragile arms around his back, refusing to let go off him. Lauri sighed and hugged her back.  
“I can come back tomorrow pikku myy if you want me to.” He tried to reassure her.  
“Don’t leave me please!” she pleaded as the head nurse forced Lauri to his feet.  
“You better leave now. Your time is up.” She dragged him out of the room and it broke Lauri’s heart to leave her like this.  
“You’ll better speak to her therapist in advance before showing up just like this tomorrow. This is not allowed. You should know that the fact of being famous doesn’t change the rules here.” She spat as she walked him out of the ward and closed the door right in his face. Lauri ruffled his hair in desperation and stood there for what felt like ages starring at the blurry letters on the door. It went properly better than he had expected but still different to what he imagined it to be. His ringing cell phone brought him back into reality and he picked it up, seeing Aki calling.

-9-  
Lauri turned on his heel still fiddling with the ringing phone where Aki's name was blinking desperately for several seconds already. He knew there was no way out of it and that he had to talk to him anyway, he just wasn't sure if he was able to tell him the truth about Suuvi just yet.   
Lauri walked out of the hospital his phone stopped ringing as he unlocked his car and got in, just to start once again as he was about to start the engine. Sighing heavily he wanted to switch it over to his answering machine, not feeling ready yet to face all those questions but his strong bond of friendship with Aki got the best of him. He slid the button on his Iphone aside indicating to answer the call.   
"Finally!!" Aki sighed. "I was about to think you got lost or had flushed your phone down the toilet mate."  
"Sorry Aks. " Lauri responded earnestly.   
"Where the heck are you anyway? I'm trying to catch you for almost the past 2 hours men."   
"Like said I'm sorry I was busy."   
"Since when do you turn it off completely when you're busy? What's going on? You know you can tell me everything don't you?" Aki pleaded him.   
"Yes I know. I'd been to the hospital and had to turn it off." Lauri confessed, missing out on telling Aki that he had actually turned off his device as soon as he had left his office earlier.   
"I was just about to drive back home as your call came in."   
"Hospital? Oh my gosh, did something happened to you?" Aki asked concern covering his voice, making it sound even darker than it usually was.   
"Not to me, I'm fine."   
"Who then? Jonne?" Aki asked reliefed. He wasn't sounding any more concerned nor bothered about the fact of Jonne in possible danger, which didn't suprise Lauri in the slightest.   
"Well, not Jonne. Someone else. " Lauri tried to back out of Aki's nagging.   
"Lauri? If it's not Jonne, it's not your family is it? Because you sound slightly disturbed." Aki urged.   
"Aks, my family is fine too but I really need to drive home now and you know what the finnish police is like about calling while driving." he tried to get out of the questioning.  
"Yes, I know what they are like.” Aki replied.   
"Fine, so why do you call anyway?" Lauri stared ahead of him out of the front window in pity for himself. He hated nothing more than lying to Aki.  
"I just got one of those funny feelings you know and had the urge to check up on you."  
"Well, obviously I'm still alive and breathing. So no worries dude." Lauri said sounding more sarcastic as he intended to.   
"No need to get annoyed just drop by for a coffee on your way back." Aki offered being aware of Lauri’s discomfort for whatever reason obviously. Lauri wanted to curse their strong bond, sometimes it managed to get in the way and secret where no longer kept as secrets just because of the fact that it wasn’t possible. Aki always sensed right away when something was up.  
" Thanks for the offer dear but I guess I may get straight back home." Lauri excused himself being fully aware of the fact that Aki was properly frowning by his answer on the other end of the line.   
"I don't want to be a pain in the ass but why do I have the feeling you're. hidding something from me. Something that is obviously bothering you."  
“I’m not bothered at all.” Lauri tried to reassure him but couldn’t cut the sad edge out of his own voice.  
“Fine. So do you drop by or do I need to force you!” Aki asked.  
“Okay! Give me 10 minutes.” Lauri sighed and gave in. There was no way out of it than right through the shit it seemed.  
“See you around.” Aki replied gently and hung up on him. Lauri ruffled hs hair in desperation and lit another fag before starting the engine and driving his way through the city center. Aki was living close to the Kamppi where the most traffic was to wait at all the red lights. Lauri cursed him for choosing this place to live. Things had been easier when they’d been neighbours.  
Lauri pulled the car through the city and got luckily a free lot in front of Aki's appartement complex. He sighed knowing fully well that he properly wouldn't have to ring the front door because Aki was awaiting him already outside, nervously tipping a beat on the pavement with his right foot.  
Lauri shut the engine off and unbuckled his belt, he still wasn't sure what to tell him and a short glance in the review mirror didn't made him feel any more comfortable. He was looking drained, pale and older than he actually was. He rubbed his face before he stepped out of the car to face his best friend and drummer of his band.  
"Jezz, fucking christ you look like jack shit dear." Aki looked him up and down in shock.  
"Kiitos. I haven't expected something like this." he sighed and raised his hand to squint in the dimlight of the setting sun that hurt his eyes. Aki took hold of his wrist and dragged him inside and up to his flat.   
"Sit down!" Aki orders him over into his living room, gesturing for him to get comfy on the couch. Hesitantly Lauri let myself fall onto it with a thud. Aki is moving around in his kitchen he can hear him rattle with the kettle and the watertap being turned on and off, before the boiling sound of it echoes around the hallway and Aki appearing shortly after with 2 mugs of tea.  
"I made your favorite and now you better have a good explanation for the state you are in." He drops himself in an armchair opposite him.   
Lauri wraps his cold fingers around the warm cup of burning liquid before taking a few sips of it unsure about how to react at all. Fear is nagging it's way through his body leaving him scared and unsure of himself all over sudden.   
As if it wouldn't even be possible Lauri get's even paler as he tries to force the words out of his tightened throat. Nothing would forcast Aki's reaction after all and Pauli knew it but was left out in the dark mostly.   
"Come on! Give it a chance I won't eat you alive." Aki encourages him. Lauri gaze is fixed on the swirrling liquid inside his cup, his voice barely above a whisper and the confident and casual tune he had faked on the phone, was nothing else than a memory as he starts to speak.  
"I was in the hospital to visit someone." his voice ever so softly.  
"I assumed so." Aki commented dryly and fiddling with the pillow on his lap. He hated to force Lauri into talking and he hated waiting for an answer or anything at all and the longer it would took the more fidgety he would get.  
"You remember that morning in the studio when you walked in on me and Pauli with the black metal box on the coffee table?" Lauri tried to buy time.  
"Yes, so uhm..." Aki left it hanging like that.  
"The box belonged to someone we both know." Lauri mumbled. Aki frowned at him. He wasn't talking about himself, was he?  
"Lauri, I'm worried about you."  
"I'm fine Aks, just exhausted. It's just..the box belonged to Suuvi." The name left his lips in almost a whisper and Aki had problems understanding him. At first the name wasn't ringing any bell before it hit him like a firetruck. Concern edged into his voice.  
"Is she ok?" Aki asked barely hiding the shock the message has left. Lauri shook his head.  
"I think she's far away from being okay." he mumbled, fighting with all his will to avoid crying again.  
"Oh my..." Aki gulped down the salvia that has started forming in his mouth.   
"Is she?" he couldn't even say it. The pure thought of the little girl he went to school with all those years ago being dead was more than he could cope with.  
"She is still alive as far as you can name it like that." Lauri replied sadly, his voice slowely drowned out by the tears he couldn't stop. They just pured down his cheeks as he lowered his head. Aki moved over to the sofa quickly embracing Lauri n a gentle comforting hug. Till now he hadn't even known Lauri and Suuvi had been in contact.  
"Oh, Lauri, why haven't you talked to me earlier. I could have helped." he whispered holding his sobbing friend close to his chest where he wept into his shirt.  
"I ..I didn't know till the day I found that box. I .. I just found out today how...how bad she's doing." he sobbed onto Aki's chest. Aki fought back his own tears of worry trying to calm Lauri down who was crying heartbreakingly.  
"Is there anything I can do for you?" Akis asked after the sobs of his best friend had died down for a while.  
"I dunno." Lauri mumbled still holding onto Aki's shirt and hiding his face in the crook of his neck. Aki soothed him as best as he could.  
"I won't let you deal with all that on your own. I'll be with you all the way whenever any of you needs me." he spoke softly, hoping Lauri was able to listen carefully to his words. Lauri nodded looking tired with every more minute as he leaned onto Aki, sipping the rest of his tea and filling him in on the scenario he had been faced with as he went to visit Suuvi earlier. Aki listened patiently. The events almost like a blurry movie in front of his inner eyes as Lauri told him the story.  
"Lintu, we'll find a way I promise you. It will get better for everyone." Lauri nodded again yawning slightly as he put his mug down again.  
"I ...I think I better go home. I'm so tired." he whispered.  
"You're not going anywhere, you can't drive over to your place in the state you are in." Aki insisted.  
"But Jonne." Lauri started to argue while another yawn freed from his throat and echoed around the room.  
"Fuck Jonne, he won't die being alone at home for one night. You're not going anywhere. You can stay in my spare room and have a good rest, that's all you need right now." Aki reasoned him.  
Lauri was way too tired to put up a fight and let Aki stirr him over to the free bed in his spare room. Aki helped him lie down and covered him up, tugging him in and watching him closely. It seemed as if all power had went out of Lauri within a moment.  
"Just shout if you need anything I'm next door." Lauri blinked sleepily to confirm he had heard and was fast fallen asleep as soon as Aki had turned out the light.   
"Sleep well, little bird. Tomorrow things will be better." Aki whispered before leaving the room and the door ajar.  
-10-  
The next morning Lauri seemed more at ease as the last time he had a decent sleep. Aki didn't wake him for the office hours instead he gave their guitarist a short ring explaining Lauri's abesence. Pauli didn't complain but was greatfull to get filled in at least and hung up on Aki. Where would their little bird be without his best friend?  
Aki stretched and yawned in his bed before grabbing a quick shower and putting on the kettle for some coffee. Not shortly after Lauri toddled into the kitchen rubbing his face, blinking sleepily at the drummer.  
"Good morning little bird." Aki smiled.  
"Morning Aks." he eased himself on the bar stool and occupied himself with the mug of fresh coffee Aki had just offered.  
"Feeling any better?" the drummer asked. Lauri nooded.  
"I think I haven't had a decent night in ages. Well to say so you're bed is still as comfy as I remember." Lauri smiled and yawned gulping down a few mouthfull before he got to his feet again.   
"I guess I'll be late for the studio today. Can I hope in your shower for a quick wash?"   
"You don't have to go to the studio today, I just talked to Pauli about stuff and he said it's okay. We need to skip rehearsals for a week anyway cause Eero caught that flu from his daughters."  
"Oh!" Lauri looked slightly lost. No rehearsals meant no more avoiding Jonne.  
"But of course you can grab a shower as long as you like just go to my wardrobe if you need anything, you know by now that I don't mind." Aki winked at him as Lauri gave him a small smile and rushed for the bathroom.  
He left Aki to himself and got rid of his shirt and boxers before stepping into the shower and pulling the curtain shut. Kicking the tab on the warm spray made him feel more awake and his muscles relaxed before he washed his hair and the rest, grabbing a towel from the rim of Aki's bath tube and drying off. He didn't know what to do today and suddenly it hit him like a bullet, the memory that he had promised Suuvi to come back. He flinched feeling uncomfortable all over sudden and not knowing how to cope with it. It had become way too much yesterday and he wasn't so sure anymore if he could help her like he wanted to. Taking Aki with him for support wasn't an option either since he promised her not to tell anyone. Lauri felt guilt rising in his stomach.   
He had betrayed her by telling Aki all the details yesterday. He fastened the towel around his waist and dashed over to Aki's wardrobe to get into a fresh pair of boxers and some jeans that would usually fit him. Lauri was suddenly awaken form his running thoughts as he realised he would properly need a belt or the pants would fall off by every move. He never recognized how much weight he had lost while this silent sort of argument with Jonne was on the run, almost looming above their relation ship like a thick cloud of rain.  
"AKI!"  
"Jooo!"  
"Do you have a belt somewhere?"  
"What, why that?" Aki came walking down the corridor and shortly after his blonde tussled hair poked around the door.  
"Well..." Lauri shrugged and nooded down to the jeans that was hanging on his small hips.  
"Oh!" Aki rumarged through his wardrobe handing Lauri a belt after a moment.  
"Lau you really shouldn't exercise so much, men. I'd seen you in better shape a few month back but recently you more resemble a skeleton than a healthy young men. I'm worried about you." Aki eyed him sadly.  
"No need to. I promise I will look after myself it just been slightly stressfull those past weeks." Lauri tried to reassure his best friend.   
"Yeah, as if it had ever been different." Aki stressed the last word. Jonne was still no theme he would ever get warm with.  
"Maybe it's better that you are out of service for today. I guess you haven't had time off in ages." Aki snorted as Lauri pulled on a shirt that was way too big for him and followed him back into the kitchen. Aki placed anothe rmug of coffee in front of his best friend, knowing fully well how much he needed it. Lauri accepted greatfully.  
"I guess it will be a bit rough for a few more weeks but things should be sorted out till then."  
"Well, if you need any kind of help, you know where to find me." his drummer winked making Lauri smile slightly.  
"I know for sure Aks." he drowned his cup of coffee as his cell phone started ringing. Lauri didn't know where he left it as the memory of yesterday came back vividly to his mind. Aki frowned.  
"I guess I better get it, maybe left it in your living room last night." Lauri sighed as he placed the mug back onto the table and got up. The ringing stopped and Lauri was about to sit back and forget about it as it started ringing again. There was no need in guessing around who was on the end of the line if he was so persistent. It could only be Jonne ringing him. Lauri toddled over and picked up the device. He slid the button across to get the call when he heard Jonne screaming at him.  
"OH JEZZ WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"  
"Jonne keep calm, I'm at Aki's." he heard his boyfriend mumbling insults under his breath.  
"You could have said something." he cursed. Lauri sighed.  
"Yeah well, it got late and there was still stuff to do. When we tour I'm not at home for months so what is this fuss about one night."  
"It could have been us spending one more night together!" Jonne mumbled angrily. Lauri frowned. Jonne was always so childish when it was about relation things.   
"I'm not going to argue with you for now. I still have work to do." Lauri sighed desperately.  
"So you are going to hang up on me again!" Jonne exclaimed as if Lauri just told him that he would prefer Lady Gaga naked instead of him.  
"What the hell do you expect? Me listening to your insults? Grow the fuck up!" Lauri cancled he connection and turned the device off, forcing it into the pocket of his pants. He ruffled his hair and sighed.  
"Don't let him get through to you like that. I still think you would be better off without him." Aki mumbled, shuffling his feet uncomfortably. He knew Lauri hated it when someone judged his relationship but he just couldn't help himself from pointing out the obvious.  
"Yeah Aks, same story as usual. You know what he's like. I guess I will go and see how Suuvi is doing." he whispered putting n his shoes and coat.  
"Ring me if you got any news."  
"I sure will." they hugged for a long while before Lauri left Aki's place.

-11-  
Lauri stirred the car away from Aki's appartement complex and headed back the route towards the clinic, he had come from yesterday afternoon. He was nervous, almost shivering with an amount of fear as he recalles this endless fear he had seen in her eyes.  
He couldn't remember to ever had seen her so desperate and ready to give it all up. Instead he remembered how stubborn she had been and almost reserved, all those drunken parties they have had and all the pranks they had pulled. Lauri sighed. There was no use to dive into memories of former times. It wouldn't cover up the fragile image of a hurted soul he had meet yesterday. Suuvi was no longer the stubborn child out of school days who just had a hard time with her parents and was an outsder at school, just like he had been. They had to fight the situation as it was now and he wanted to make her smile again. He wanted to ignite the spark in her eyes back to life. Lauri couldn't stand to see her in such a bad state and he would do whatever it may take him to bring the light back to her. No matter how long it would take.  
He took a nervous last drag at his cigarette tipping the ash in the ashtray of the car console before he unbuckeled his belt and left his Lexus. It wouldn't change a single thing if he ruined all chances to get her to trust him by blowing up this meeting he had promised her.

Meanwhile Suuvi have had another night on the floor and caused some more damage to herself, after the nurse had dragged Lauri from the room. There was no use then to give into the mess her feelings put her through. She didn't want him to leave and was feeling more wortheless and desperate then before. The nurse on duty who tried to cheer her up first settled shortly after to an annoyed tune as she dragged her down for dinner. Suuvi had sat in her seat staring at the food on her plate in horror not even able to touch the cuttlery. She knew the rules, she knew she had to eat at least what was offered but she couldn't care less. It was like a secret war with the staff about patience without any winner. She waited for them to give in and let her go back to her room and they were waiting for her to eat. Suuvi just starred ahead, her mind had wandered off before she had even entered the room and she was aware that she sat all her chances to see Lauri again on a thin line, after todays thread in the morning. After 4 hours it was almost close to midnight as the nurse sighed in defeat. The others had already left just shoking their heads about her.  
"She's not even here to get better!" another girl had hissed while leaving. Suuvi properly was this nights first topic of dicussion among the other girls,  
"Okay, I'm really tired to keep on playing those games with you girls." the nurse sighed and lead Suuvi back to her room.  
"I will note this down in your file and well face the consequences set by your head therapist tomorrow morning." the nurse spat. Those news weren't suprising Suuvi the slightest as she woke up to find half the satff scattered around her bed and a soft rhythmical buzzing sound echoing in the room.  
"Oh you are around." her therapist smiled nicely with an edge to his voice Suuvi couldn't sort out. She felt dizzy and confused, not daring to move one inch in front of all their piercing gazes. It took her along while to register that she actually had been hooked onto some Ivs and to recognize the itching tube in her nose, leading down her throat. She just shrugged her shoulders in response.   
They could have at least waited for her to wake up before sticking all those needles and tubes into her.  
"Well, Miss Salonen, you'll be hooked up to the machines for the next few weeks at least. We would have prefered to fill you in on the details before we'd started the treatment but got no other chance since we needed to take care of you immidiately after your heart had struggled tonight." Suuvi just stared at him blankely, trying to proceed what he was explaining.   
"So does this mean you just did what you need to, instead of letting me fucking die?" she mumbled silently.  
"If you want to put it like this, fine." the answer was pretty short and still had this special tune to it.  
"We'll monitor you for some time, you have strict bedrest for the time being and visitors ban." they told her but she just shrugged it off, closing her eyes and fell back into sleep. She didn't care.

Lauri put his device on soundless and trudged off towards the entrance. Reluctantly he pressed the buzzer to Suuvis ward to be meet with an gaze of ice as he faced todays head nurse.  
"Yes?" she demanded with a rised eyebrow.   
"I'm Lauri Ylönen. I'd come to visit Suuvi Salonen."  
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but this is out of question. Suuvi isn't allowed any visitors at all." Lauri sighed trying hard not to roll his eyes as he faced the next discussion of this sort just like yesterday.  
"I was allowed to see her yesterday so I guess it's alright." he tried to sound casual.   
"Well that doesn't make a difference, I'm sorry." Lauri gritted his teeth.  
"But I think it is really needed." he tried to put some serious pressure into his voice.  
"Listen Mr. Ylönen. I know well who you are but I don't care. My order says no visitors for Miss Salonen so if you want to fight that decision you will have to speak to her head therapist."  
"Okay, and who is responsible for her and how can I contact him?" Lauri asked with a slightly annoyed edge to his voice.  
"Wait a minute." She flickered through some papers on her desk before adressing him again.  
"Ok, you need to see Mr. Mäkinen, his office is at the end of the corridor on the left side. As far as I can see he must be free at the moment but this doesn't promise anything." Lauri nooded and followed her to the office. The nurse knocked sharply getting a muffled response before picking her head around the door frame to announce Lauri and fill the thrapist in on the issue itself.   
"Sent him in." a deep voice replied and the nurse held up the door for him as he walked past her.

-12-  
Lauri eyed the men in front of him carefully judging him to be slightly older than himself but not past the 40s.   
"I'm Dr. Mäkinen what can I do for you?"  
"Hello I'm Lauri Ylönen." He extended his hand for a short shake but let it drop as he realised the doctor wasn't about to take it. Lauri swallowed his upcoming frown and settled to go straight to the point since the guy doesn't seem to be to appealled on exchanging friendly manners and just kept glaring him straight in the face as if he would be up for testing himself.  
"I'd come to visit Miss Suuvi Salonen but the head nurse denied my access." Mäkinen just nooded not offering any response at all. Lauri frowned even more. He couldn't come up with any idea about what his opposite was up to.   
"I was told so. " Mäkinen finally replied after the silence had lingered a little longer between them.   
"Well, do you mind me asking whats the reason for it? I was allowed to see her yesterday and promised her to come back just to get refused without any explanation." Lauri tried to sound less awkward and annoyed as he actually was feeling right now.   
"The conditions changed, simple as that. " Mäkinen replied flately while gesturing over to a cozy chair finally offering a seat to Lauri who had been shuffling his feet a little uneasy Hesitantly Lauri shuffled over and dropped onto it. Mäkinen had put his paperwork aside, turned into his desk chair and walked over to him, easing himself onto the opposite stool facing Lauri with an impassive face.  
"Well, considering that you are in charge for Suuvi I ask myself what it will look like to her if I'm not allowed to see her? She made me promise to come back but instead of being with her I'm sitting into your office now." Lauri gesturred around the room fighting hard to stay calm and not to show how uncomfortable he felt about the fact. Mäkinen folded his hands in his lap before he started speaking.  
"As I already stated the conditions have changed so Miss Salonen isn't allowed to have any visitors for the next time. As sad as it may is you'll have to put up with me instead." Mäkinen responded in a strange tone.  
"I know that Suuvi doesn't have any more relatives since her parents died in a car accident shortly after she was born and she left her foster family as she graduated from high school. So as sorry as I do feel for you Mister I am all Suuvi has left. Is it too much to ask for details about her condition?" Lauri replied just as bittersweet. Mäkinen flickered through some of his files he had brought along, noting something down in them.  
"We didn't know about this since Suuvi was admitted onto the ward by the hospital in the state of unconciousness and she refuses to talk to any of us." Lauri nodded shortly. That sounded typical for Suuvi, even in school she had been as stubborn as a mule. Besides of Aki, he was the only one who ever got through to her.  
"Could you tell us some more about Miss Salonen's backround?" the therapist asked. Lauri scowled at him, he didn't want to talk behind her back like that.  
"Depends on what I get in return." he answered with a frown. He won't give away all of Suuvis story if he couldn't see her, despite the fact that he hadn't seen her in years but he would be a fool to tell Dr. Mäkinen that all he would refer too would be old stuff. Mäkinen chuckled.   
"Ok, I would say for every question I ask you, you can ask one in return. Does it sound fair?" Lauri considered this briefly before he nodded.  
"Would you consider Miss Salonen as an aggressive person?" Lauri's eyes widened in shock.  
"No not at all!" his voice came out sharper then expected. What the hell were these weirdos thinking about her?  
"Why was she admitted into your care?" Lauri shot the question before Mäkinen had any chance to reject.  
"Suicide attempt." the asnwer wasn't what Lauri had been expecting, his throat suddenly felt really dry. He should have guessed it by the state he found her in but it had been to easy to look past the evidence.  
"Was she bullied in school or had any other mentionable trouble with others of her age?" Lauri frowned, thinking hard. It was so long ago, he wasn't even sure.  
"Well, we all had it hard in school sometimes. I wouldn't say she was really bullied nor bullying anybody else. We weren't part of the best but we had each other. A tiny close circle of friends backing us up. Suuvi never was much of a talker among people. We prefered to take the partys as they came but never drew that much attention on ourselfs." Mäkinen nodded.  
"What has changed that you deny my access?" Lauri couldn't help but glare at the therapist. He had come here to see Suuvi and not to answer intimidating questions about her. Mäkinen chewed on his lower lip for a moment before he sighed.  
"Well, she needs to rest and recover, visitors ban is also the most common option if our patients don't follow the rules. We had to hook her up on force feeding because her heart failed her last night." Lauri wasn't sure which expression was more visible on his face, the words of the therapist scared him. He was shocked and scared. He just found her, he didn't want to loose her once more.  
"I see." he mumbled silently breaking the eye contact for the first time. Why did they let her go out if she broke down just like that? How bad must terms be for her if her heart failed her? The questions were chasing themselves inside his head like a fire that was just been sparked into life. The fear inside him make it burn higher and hotter making him feel slightly dizzy for some seconds.  
Mäkinen eyed him with interest, taking in his reactions.  
"Did she ever struggled with food?" Lauri flinched in his chair.  
"Not when we'd been in school." Mäkinen nodded. He sighed once more. Obviously his questions weren't answered the way he thought they would.  
"When did you last meet Suuvi except yesterday?" Lauri frowned. He saw all his chances pass by and also noticed Mäkinen was shooting the next question without giving him a chance to ask in return.  
"Does it matter? I think she needs me and she even begged on her knees for it." he answered trying to avoid the question. Mäkinen eyed him closely.  
"How would you..." Lauri cut him off midsentence.  
"I want to know why you believe I wouldn't be able to support her? When she leaves this place one day she will need all support she can get and I am willing to offer it."  
"But you are a busy men." Mäkinen retorted.  
"Do I look like this would be any trouble? I am already sitting into your office for what is it? Half an hour? Or a full hour even? If I wouldn't care about Suuvi I wouldn't even show up here in the first place!" his annoyence was more obvious then before. He couldn't help his own bad temper to show, he was pissed off by now and getting angry the more minutes he had to waste with this idot in front of his face while he could be holding Suuvis hand in the meantime. Lauri didn't notice he had risen his voice, letting the anger getting prominent in his voice. Mäkinen backed off in his chair, bringing his hands up for defense to signal him, that he wasn't about to start a fight. Lauri crossed his arms and his feet, his body signaling that this stupid game was over for him by now.  
He wouldn't answer any more questions. Mäkinen rubbed his forehead obviously thinking about an option to get Lauri to cooperate again.   
"Well if you think, that it does help her to isolate her from the outside world and just drop her out of this bubble world as soon as you consider her to be strong enough to survive then I am obviously no use to you. You pointed out I am a busy men. Well I am but I would never be so busy to just leave and watch my friend die." Lauri spat the last words before he got to his feet. This situation reminded him so much about the time he had lost Mikka. They also isolated him, dropped him when they thought they'd done their job and it was Lauri who had to find him dead with an overdose just a few days later. He knew exactly how much of a help those clinics had been in the past. You can learn to function inside the "clinic world" but without support outside you have no chance to get any further, you just stumble back into your old habits as soon as you have to face reality.  
"Mister Ylönen." Mäkinen had gotten to his feet as well and laid a gentle hand on Lauris arm. Lauri stepped away from the touch. The therapist sighed.  
"Okay we are not getting anywhere with this argument. If you think that you could help her along the process then prove it! I will give you full access to Miss Salonen at any time but if her condition doesn't improve the slightest then even you will have to follow the rules and leave." Lauri nodded feeling a wave of relief washing through him. Aki would be proud of him. All too often people had underestimated Lauri's stubbornness. Mäkinen extended his hand towards him a small smile playing along his lips.   
"Deal?"  
"It's a deal." Lauri gave his hand a short shake.  
"Now follow me." Mäkinen opened his office and Lauri followed him down the hallway soon recognizing where they were leading to. Outside of Suuvi's room they paused.   
"Just try to not get her worked up. Our doctors don't want to shove more medicine into her as really is necessary. I guess you understand that even the drugs she gets are a danger to her fragile body system." Lauri gulped but nodded.   
"Ok, you can go in now but please drop your phone number at the head nurse's desk before you leave. If you really want to take responsibility for Miss Salonen we will let you know if there are any complications, so just in case of emergency."  
"Sure." Lauri replied then softly knocked at the door and pushed the handle. Glancing down the hallway one more moment to see Dr. Mäkinen was heading back to his office again.

-13-  
Lauri didn't wanted to show how afraid he was. He had no idea what would await him behind the door, there was no response either. He peered into the semi dark room with churning stomach, sawing Suuvi laying tugged into the covers with closed eyes. She showed no sign of recognition and seemed to be asleep. Lauri walked in and closed the door as silently as possible to not disturb her. No movement was noticable on the clinic bed, just the constant beeping tone of her heart monitor filled the silence. Lauri's heart felt heavy as he pulled out a chair from the table and took a seat next to her. Carefully he reached out for her hand and stroked the top of it with calming patterns.  
She looked so lost, he thought his heart would split by the mery sight of her drained body. This wasn't his old Pikku Myy, this was just skin and bones left of a beautiful girl he once knew.  
"Oh Myy what have you done to yourself. You don't deserve to suffer like this." Lauri mumbled to himself and kept caressing the back of her hand. His mind flooded with unanswered questions. Suvvi twisted and turned slightly making the sheets around her rustle like a faint whisper of wind. A whining sound escaped her lips as she screwed her face up and her eyes snapped open in an instant. Slightly unfocussed her gaze swept across the room before resting on Lauri.  
"Lauri?" her voice was rasping and full of uncertainty.  
"Yeah." he pressed her hand slightly, afraid to may hurt her if he would use any more pressure. She returned slowely almost faintly before a small smile formed on her lips.  
With big eyes Suuvi stared at him as her mind catched up with her.  
"How?" she mumbled and rubbed her nose in an attempt to get rid of the tube, knowing fully well it was pointless.  
"I had a bit of a fight with your therapist convincing him that you need me to get better." he whispered blushing slightly. He sounded like some crazy lovebird who just sneaked in past midnight through the window sill. Suuvi giggled before coughing on her own breath heavyly.   
"Fucking shit thing of a tube." she cursed and rubbed her face in pain. Lauri smiled pitiful.  
"Stop rubbing. You only will make it ache even more. It will pass." he soothed her, drawing even more patterns on the back of her hand to calm her down. Suuvi sighed in defeat.   
"Look at the state of me. They force me to things I never agreed to." she whispered as the first tears slipped past her closed eyelids.   
"They just try to help you to get better."   
"Why? For what reason?" Lauri frowned hearing the self disgust clearly ringing in her voice.  
"Myy it will be better, they won't keep you in forever, same goes for the tube. Give it time and sooner as you expect everything will sort itself out." she laughed humourlessly.  
"There's no help for me." she cried and turned her face into the pillow case.  
"There is Myy! Don't lose hope. We will get through this. You're not alone." he tried to reassure her. Suuvi kept whimpering into the fabric desperately. Slowely Lauri stroked her skinny back not knowing what to say. His fingertips could feel every part of her spine as his hand drifted back and forth in a comforting manner. He knew there was a hard road ahead, but he was sure they would conquer it together.   
Suuvi slipped closer towards him hiding her face in the fabric of his pullover allowing Lauri to hold her close. He wrapped her up in his arms, trying to not get in the way of all the tubes and cables attached to her tiny frame and after a long time the buzzing sound calmed down, becoming more regular. He kissed the top of her head.  
"I swear Myy, we will make it. I'm with you all the way."  
"You're not leaving me?" she whispered in fear, clinging even tighter to his jumper.  
"No! I'm not going anywhere." Lauri shook his head pressing her shivering form even closer.  
"I will come and see you every day. I promise." he locked his gaze with hers as he spoke, trying to make her realize how serious he was about it.  
Suuvi nodded slowely in agreement, nevertheless the same question left her lips a couple of more times as they kept sitting together, she nuzzled up with her face in the crock of his neck and him holding her fragile frame.  
Suuvi absorbed every ounce of comfort Lauri brought her. There were not many words exchanged and Suuvi grew tense after the silence lingered for what felt like forever. Her eyes flickered over to the banana bag that was hooked up to her in disgust.  
"They are putting so much fat into me." she whispered silently.  
"Don't say that. You are far away from being fat dear. They just give you the stuff your body needs to recover."   
"I don't need anything! I just want to die." she whined.  
"Suuvi, You were suffering from malnutrition. That means it breaks down everything until that what you have left, is not enough to save you. But these next days, they need to force a lot of nutritional food inside of you to make the the danger vanish. Therefore you have to stay in ICU care for a while."  
"I don't want to. I just want to get out of here and disappear." Lauri took hold of her hand before she had any chance to pull at the feeding tube.  
"Suuvi don't! If you do this they will tie you down, I don't want to see you tied down. Please hold on a little longer. As soon as you made enough progress they will let you go Dr. Mäkinen said. Lauri stroked her back still as calm as possible.  
"For what. There is no where to go."   
"Oh sweety there is. I promise you can stay with me for as long as it takes and I will take care of you."  
"You can't! You properly have a girlfriend at home who will explode in jealousy." she sniffled. Lauri chuckled softly which made her look up in surprise.  
"Don't play the silly card lovely. I have no girlfriend."  
"Then you will have one sooner or later who want's me to leave." she whispered tearfully. Lauri took hold of her chin, making her face him gently.  
"Myy I do not have a girlfriend nor will I ever have. I am gay. I have a boyfriend and he has no saying in who is staying at my place. You were my best friend and you are in need. You know I always care about my friends." his green eyes rested on her with so much certainty. She wanted to believe him, she really wanted to but she was too scared. Lauri saw the inner tremor she was going through but at least his words had reached her, weather she would finally stay with him in the end or not would to be decided later anyway. At the moment she was far away from being able to walk anywhere. Nevertheless saying goodbye was hard but the visiting hours were over and Lauri had permission to stay but he had to go home at some point. He had took all his time to explain Suuvi, when he would be back, making sure she would cope for the few hours on her own. He promised to bring her a present the next morning, like every other day till she would be released.   
He wasn't planning on something big, just something small to keep her hopes up for the time she had to spent alone. The promise made her smile and he sat with her till she had fallen asleep again, stroking her childlike face and hair. It took her some time to get settled but finally her chest was raising and falling in a steady rhythm. The beeping of her heart monitor steady, slow but ok. He remembered Mäkinen's short input abot the effects the starving have had on her body system, slowing down the heartbeat to 50 beats per minute, lowering the blood pressure making her drowsy for the most of time. Of course the nutritions and minerals in the attached banana bag provided her with as much strength as possible but it wouldn't cure her illness. That would take time, even though Lauri had already the image that Suuvi's weight loss wasn't an attempt of getting pretty and skinny, as it was expected among teenagers. Sighing he let the strands of her thin hair fall from his fingers one last time, leaning over, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head, before closing the door behind him.  
He left his phone number at the head nurses desk as he left around 9 in the evening making her gasp in surprise.   
"It's the emergency number for Miss Salonen, Dr. Mäkinen requested. You can call it at any time if there is something wrong." He looked at her coldly too make sure the unspoken message to not use it in other ways was getting across. The women nodded slowely cliping the post-it to Suuvis file before saying goodbye.  
Ruffling his hair the door of the ward closed behind him as Lauri walked back to his car. There was no ticket under his windshield wiper but he would make sure to park his car in the car park near by. Most likely he would find a photo of it in tomorrow's next issue of Seiska magazine anyway. Suddenly he felt tired and dreaded going home. Lighting a cigarette he started the engine and drove off towards his shared flat with Jonne. He was aware Jonne wouldn't be amused to see him getting back late as usual, not after the fight they have had on the phone this morning. As Lauri shut the engine off in the driveway he tried to prepare himself for the upcoming and used the time to tap a short text to Aki about how Suuvi was doing, smoking another cigarette. Finally he had gathered enough courage to face his boyfriend so he exited his car, locked it and made his way up to his flat. As he pushed the key in the lock he sighed before turning it and entering. Silence greeted him. Lauri swallowed dry and quickly looked around all rooms. No sight of Jonne. Obviously he wasn't in. He frowned but relief took over shortly after. At least they wouldn't argue for now. Lauri grabbed a quick shower and dropped in his bed, pulling the covers up yawning deeply. As soon as his head had hit the pillow he was fast asleep, not even waking up when Jonne entered at 4 a.m in the morning giggling like a drunken school girl.  
The next day Jonne was still passed out when Lauri left for work shrugging his shoulders. He decided to bring Suuvi some flowers today, at least it would be a start. He just would have to make sure to not come home this late.   
The next few weeks passed by like that. Lauri worked his ass off in the studio to get enough free time to spent with Suuvi, bringing her little presents every day. Slowely she was improving. She was on the mend and eating first proper food for a week now. Her body gaining engery every day. Mäkinen stopped Lauri every now and again before or after visits to congratulate him for looking after his best friend so closely or ask some random questions. Suuvi had still struggles to let her guard down towards her psychatrist even though she knew she had to cooperate to get out of this ward.   
It was a bumpy road still and twice he had been called to the ward in the middle of the night when Suuvi had shut herself up and gone back into her old habits. Lauri felt drained. It was a hard battle, sometimes it felt like war and he would snuggle in Aki's arms for comfort to keep on fighting.   
Jonne was more out then available but Lauri didn't mind. He was busy enough without to have pointless arguments with his boyfriend. He tried to look past Jonne's new hobby which involved getting pissed with Antti everyday. He was either not in whenever Lauri came home or passed out when he left for work.  
Sometimes Lauri asked himself if he did even remember that they were a couple. Neither did he had a chance to fill in Jonne on any of his plans. This sent his stomach into summersaults. He felt as if he would be keeping some sort of secret. On the other hand it wasn't Jonne's business anyway.

-14-  
The past days Lauri had tried to talk to Jonne, cause Suuvi would be released from the clinic in a few days. It wasn't before Jonne had caught him setting up the spare room for her that he actually had a chance to even bring her up once. Jonne was either pissed or passed out and if it hadn't been the noise of the moving furniture he would properly never noticed any changes.   
Nevertheless it had only ended into another blazing fight of them and Lauri spending the night at Aki's to get any rest cause Antti had been over to start another round of party hard. Suuvi's weight had settled out of the life threatening zone for the past weeks and with the meds she'd been given her heart would at least partly recover. Lauri knew that this wouldn't be the case with her mind and way of thinking. It had took him long talks and even more reassurance to make it work. She still would have to see her therapist Dr. Mäkinen first 3 times a week and the more she would improve the appointments would lessened.  
Suuvi hadn't told Lauri the reason for her break down yet, he was completly left out in the dark but he wasn't sure if he fancies finding it out anway. It had been exhausting him quite a while now but seeing her getting better was enough comfort and relief as an award. For the first time for what felt like ages, he have had dinner in a cozy little restaurant with his band mates. First his stomach was putting up a tantrum about the solid food, but the pain had lessened the more he ate and the slower he ate. The glances of his bandmates watching him closely felt strange but he knew they were just watching out for him. He could bit his own butt that he had allowed the stress to work him off so much recently. None of his jeans would fit his slim figure without a belt and it annoyed him.   
He was supposed to give Suuvi a positive example therefore he had to gain some weight again. When they had meet this morning before he had gone to the studio, he haven't missed out on her sharp glance. Lauri didn't want her to compare herself to him. He wanted to make her feel better and not encourage her to go back to her old habits.  
When he left she was slightly distressed but in a good mood looking forward to get out of the clinic soon.  
"I can't wait to get rid of the ward." she had mumbled in his embrace.  
"We will make it. I promise." she nooded. Lauri was about to let her go when another unexpected question spilled over her lips, slightly muffled by the fabric of his t-shirt.   
"Will Aki be there?"  
"He can if you want him to." Lauri had smiled. It had been a major risk but after Mäkinen had given his O.k Lauri had brought Aki along a few weeks back. He thought his familiar face would give Suuvi some more courage and hope for the upcoming unknown future. He was proved right. First a little apprehensive the two had gotten along well as if there would never had been any sort of distance. Aki was also relieved to see her condition improving and Lauri didn't feel bad anymore for involving him into the process. The fear of it all blowing off into his face was vanished in an instant and at least after that Aki hadn't begged him anymore to tug along.  
Lauri turned the engine of his Lexus off and rubbed his tired eyes. He had been deadly tired on his way home from work today. He dreaded nothing else than his bed even though he was pretty sure he wouldn’t even get near it all too soon.   
The living room light was switched on, indicating that Jonne was home as usual. Since his band was on ice he didn’t even bother getting anything else to occupy himself with, except for partying with Antti or getting shitfaced.   
Was he really hoping to come home to an empty house?   
Lauri was bewildered about those thoughts crossing his mind. He couldn’t recall the day he had started to think like this. Maybe it would pass he kept telling himself.   
“Like, it’s not like you’re hoping that for the past 6 months already?!” Aki had snorted at him in utter disbelief taking a mouthfull of coffee this morning.  
“Aki!” Pauli shouted for him to retain himself.  
“No Pauli! I’m not going to shut up again. He should face it! For once he should fucking face the reality! I don’t get why he had fallen for him in the first place!” Aki had raged. Lauri had just sat there dumbstruck and slightly flushed by Aki’s outburst of anger. He should have known that after all those years of being close, backing out of it would be out of question.  
Lauri eyed the glimmer of the projecting TV in his living room with sudden interest. He saw shadows moving around and was more than sure Jonne once again had someone over. He sighed.   
Was it too much to ask for coming home to just Jonne and himself?   
Properly Yes once more. Lauri stomped up the stairs and almost bumped into someone as he reached the second landing.  
“Sorry.” He mumbled so silently that the other one had properly missed out on it. A giggle made Lauri glance back briefly.  
“Hi Lauri.” Antti greeted him before he vanished down the stairs. Lauri glanced after him in apparent wonder. For the first time ever he actually saw Antti leave in time, it almost felt a bit like having birthday or achieved something high to be honoured with that. He glanced at his watch as he fiddled with the keys, recognizing how late it had gotten again. But he couldn’t really bother with time. He had been caught up with some lyrics he had finally come up with the other day for the new demo. As he had worked on the demo for what felt like the 500th of time, they just popped up in his mind. Dismissing himself from the thoughts that were haunting him, he entered and got rid of his shoes and coat.   
Jonne came bouncing down the aisle from the bedroom.  
“Antti! Did you…” he stopped in mid-sentence, coming face to face with Lauri. Lauri flinched at his words. His mind catching up with him faster than he had expected. If Jonne was expecting Antti coming inside just like that it must mean, Antti had a key.   
Lauri was overwhelmed with fury at his sudden lightning thoughts. Rage pondering all through his body, tensing every fibre in his body with a mixture that felt as if someone had set his jealousy on fire. Jonne witnessed first hand how Lauri screwed up his face in anger, being fully aware of the upcoming thunder of words that would follow right away.  
He crossed his arms in front of his chest, standing his ground and trying to fight back whatever may come his way. Instead of yelling a deadly silence spread and cooled down the air as if ice age itself would have covered the entire house.  
“Can you repeat this?” Lauri asked deadly softly. His voice not more than a hiss as he forced the air past the lump in his throat that had tightened up to a level where it almost hurt to breathe.   
“I,…I said nothing.” Jonne insisted, his voice wobbling slightly, making him sound like a little child that was fully aware of the damage it caused.  
“Oh, so you call this a nothing?” Lauri asked again, still so softly and Jonne was almost expecting ice to run down the wall of the hallway behind Lauri.  
“Well..” Lauri caught his breath fighting hard to hold back, but failed miserably. His stomach was struggling with the consumed food from dinner, knotting even tighter together the more rage filtered into his blood steam.  
“WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU FUCKING THINKING?!” he yelled out aloud. He didn’t care if Mrs. Herve from the ground floor might hear him.  
“WHAT!” Jonne exclaimed. Lauri’s breath was racing by now.  
“Did you just asked what? Let’s get one fucking thing clear right ahead. You might be my fucking boyfriend and you might as well fucking live with me, but that doesn’t involve who the fuck ever coming over and inside my fucking home at any fucking bloddy time! Did you seriously thought I wouldn’t have fucking recognized how you’ve been fucking sneaking around behind my fucking back? I respected you were seeing your friends but that doesn’t involve them having a fucking key to my fucking flat! AND IT DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU BEING FUCKING SHITFACED AND OUTTA YOUR FUCKING MIND ALL FUCKING DAY LONG!” Lauri spat.  
Jealousy had taken the best of him. Rage was boiling his blood up high and he was afraid his head may explode at any second. As well a fire truck could have hit his head, so much feelings were fighting inside him.   
Jonne backed off from the volume Lauri had used to scream his abuse at him. He flinched and anger was taking quietly hold of him.  
“Okay, Mister Ylönen. I forgot, you moving your fucking psycho friend in is out of question, but if Antti is passing by every fucking now and again it’s a fucking problem or what?!” Jonne snorted back. The disgust was ringing in his voice showing off that he was totally not ok with Suuvi's upcoming stay for a non specified part of time.  
A red shadow was clouding Lauri’s view as Jonne brought up Suuvi for discussion. Jonne was fully aware that he wasn’t playing fair and properly was close to get his head bitten off for mentioning this freak, Lauri would bring home in a few days:  
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU LIIMATAINEN! Instead of you getting pissed all day I do care for my friends and if you wouldn't have been fucking passed out all the time I could have explained it way earlier then I actually did. But you prefered to play the fucking bloody alcohol queen! You know what? I can't even stand the fucking smell of you anymore. You stink like a fucking bar! You better get your fucking life back on track soon before..." Lauri stopped taken aback by his own words that threatened to spill out of his mouth beyond his control. He was so worked up he couldn't think straight.  
"Before what, huh?" Jonne hissed at him stepping forward so their noses were almost touching. His blue eyes cold as ice.  
"What do you wanna do Lauri?" Jonne mocked him.  
"It doesn't fucking matter." Lauri said through gritted teeth staring straight back. A small smile lifted the corner of Jonne's lips.  
"Oh Come on! What, huh? You may wanna cheat on me with your little dramaqueen of a drummer, who is after your ass since always and forever?" Jonne kept mocking him.  
"Jonne!" Lauri exclaimed in a last attempt to stop him. His hands had turned into fists already and he was so close to loosing his temper that he knew for the first time ever since they dated, Jonne was walking on very very thin ice.

-15-  
Jonne eyed Lauri closely, taking in every movement of his features with high attention. A small smile lifted the corner of his lips. He needed to push the matter further not only to get his point across but to get his satisfaction out of it.  
"What Lauri, you are not seriously getting jealous, are you?" the laughter carried his voice in a strange melody. Faster than Jonne was able to follow his movements with his own eyes, Lauri had pushed him, the force crashing him hard into the wall of the hall behind him. Jonne's shoulderblades complained with a throb of pain which seem to knock the breath out of him for a few seconds.  
"I warned you!" he hissed close to his lips.  
"So what!" Jonne spat.  
"I fucking warned you!" Lauri insisted. Jonnes lips twisted into a small smile. This was leading into the direction he wanted it to even though Jonne was unsure how Lauri would really react to being provoked so obviously.  
"Ask me if I fucking care Ylönen!" Jonne groaned under his grip that was far away from being gentle. His last word died as Lauri crashed his lips hard on his mouth, his tongue slipping past the parted lips easier then expected.  
A moan freed from Jonne's throat past his own control, while Lauri kept penetrating his mouth in a rough attack. The were past the talking stage already. The air heated up to a temperature where it felt as if hell itself would be useless trial. Their lips locked with teeth almost drawing blood, only parting for the lack of oxygen every now and again briefly. Jonne tugged roughly at the mess of Lauri's hair and linked his fingers into several strains, trying to force his dominance into every tug he did.  
Lauri couldn't really remember what let his anger turn into passion, he was surprised himself to find his hands already fiddeling with the belt buckle of Jonne's jeans. A sigh left his mouth as he finally was able to push the annoying fabric aside and was met with even more of it facing Jonne's underwear.   
"Oh yeah this is where I wanted to be from the start for fucks sake." He groaned close to his lips, making Jonne twist under his pressure and thrust his hips upwards, pressing their bodies even tighter together.   
"Your're such a fucking..." Jonne couldn't utter any more words as Lauri grapped him roughly through the fabric.  
"Shut the fuck up!" He hissed and yanked the boxershort down, leaving him only room enough to get a grip on the hem of his white tanktop to push it upwards before their both hands were rooming across each others bodies, getting rid of the last bits of clothes in the process. Muffled moans filled the hallway as their kisses grew more passionate and longing. Jonne wasn't sure if he felt one pair of hands or more. There weren't even able to devide which limbs belonged to whom. Jonne felt the wall almost scrabbing along his back as they moved together in a teasing rhythm.  
"Fuck you!" Jonne pressed through gritted teeth as Lauri tightened his grip on his ass to pull his cheeks slightly apart and settle himself inbetween. Jonne couldn't even remember where Lauri's jeans had disappeared to nor since when he was facing the wall or what happened in the first place to get him settled under Lauri's force.  
"So you wish!" he moaned in response as he entered him rather roughly. Jonne hardly had any time to adjust before Lauri was all over him, ramming himself deep inside and Jonne up the wall in a harsh rhythm.  
"Oh God!" Jonne moaned and barely registered the smirk on Lauri's face.  
"Sounds familiar!" he groaned in response circling his hips.   
No one cared about Mrs. Herve on the groundfloor or their poor neighbours who had to listen to them making love hot and passionately in the hallway, filling the air inbetween them with their raging breathing that soon got out of rhythm as Lauri leaned more forward to increase the friction on Jonne's erection that was almost squished inbetween their stomachs after he had turned him around once more. No ratinal thoughts were left only the urge to show each other what they've been missing so much.   
Besides that Lauri was aware that Jonne deserved everything he put him through just to make up for their stupid argument before.  
"Jezz!" Jonne shouted out aloud as Lauri nibbled along the vein on his neck while adjusting himself into a different angle brushing past Jonne's point of no return reapeatly. For a few minutes Jonne was only bubbling incohent nonsense before his orgams hit him hard without warning. Lauri followed shortly after feeling Jonne clenching around his sensitive flesh rhytmically, almost sucking his own climax out of him.   
"Fuck!" he muttered, feeling it crash on him almost too early. Both were breathing heavily and a slight blush lingered on Jonne's cheeks. Contentment filled both of them as Lauri let himself fall out of the warmth that was engulfing him just a moment earlier. Gently he lowered Jonne back down, both holding onto the wall for support on shaky legs. Lauri felt his arms aching slightly from the effort of holding Jonne up.   
"Damn you!" Jonne smiled warmly and nuzzled his nose in the crock of his loved ones neck. All arguments seemed forgotten for the time being.  
"I need a smoke!" Lauri finally took the word.  
"I guess I need a shower!" Jonne smirked and darted for the bathroom. Lauri watched him hobbling down the aisle with clenched cheeks to prevent himself from leaking onto the wooden floor and couldn't help himself from snickering about the merry sight of it. Jonne showed him the middle finger before closing the bathroom door shut behind his naked form.  
The snatch of the lighter springing the flame into life brought Lauri's thoughts back on track, reminding him clearly what had gotten him so upraged in the first place. Disappointment settled into the empty place his fading anger had left behind. Jonne's betrayal more prominent in the pit of his stomach then before. He closed his eyes and blinked several times, not sure if he was about to cry or not.  
Obviously his boyfriend was having a major problem with Suuvi to Lauri's dismay. Jonne never meet her, nor does he even know anything about her. How could he judge her so quickly?   
Lauri frowned taking a drag on his cigarette and puffing the smoke out in a nervous manner. He watched it fade into nothingness, hoping his sorrows about Jonne and Suuvi getting along once they had time to get to know each other would do it as well. He pulled up his own boxers, grabbing the rest of his clothes to throw them into the hamper before he sneaked under the warm spray of the shower too.   
Jonne squeaked in protest as he got aware of the limited room with the extra added person in the cubicle.   
"Stop complaining you little naughty thing! We've got plenty of room in here for both of us!" Lauri laughed and ruffled his wet hair, cotting it with shampoo from the bottle to his feet. Jonne frowned but soon relaxed and leaned into his touch.  
"Mhhhm." he sighed in contentment making Lauri kiss his neck.  
"You can be such a pussy sometimes, do you know that?" he whispered in his ear and bit his earloble slightly.  
"You, Yourself Ylönen!" Lauri chuckled softly. They finished their little water games and settled themselves with some take away in front of the TV. For the first time in ages, they actually behaved like a proper couple again. Relief flooded Lauri and he started snatching the noodles from Jonne's container, making him pout like a little child. They fooled around for some time before they snuggled up in bed together.  
"You know what?" Jonne whispered close to his ear.  
"What?" Lauri yawned sleepily.  
"We won't be able to repeat that when she moves in." Jonne murmered and fell asleep.  
Nevertheless the last thing Lauri thought about was Suuvi and the troubles awaiting him before his head hit the pillow and he'd fallen asleep his limbs tangled with Jonne's both covered by one single blanket, only using separate pillows.

-16-  
The next morning Lauri awoke with the feeling of stiff limbs. All his muscles seem to ache from last nights assault. He sighed and turned over, refusing to open his eyes. His hand searched for the warm body form next to him but only touched cool fabric as his hand got aware of the free space next to him. Irritated he opened his eyes a crack, blinking against the sun raise coming from the window of the opposite side, trying to figure out what was wrong.  
It didn't take him long to realize that he was alone in bed. He stretched and yawned keeping an ear out for any noises of where Jonne had gotten to. Silence filled every corner of the flat, ony the gentle humming of the fridge and freezer was echoing from the kitchen like a ghosting whisper. Frowning Lauri rose from the bed, kicked of the blanket that was tangled up with his legs and made his way to the bath. No running shower or mist was greeting him. He blinked some more against the new morning light and slowly started to get ready. After stepping out of the shower, rubbling his messed up wet hair dry, he walked over to the kitchen to get his daily dosage of coffeine. He spied into the living room, but no trace of his loved one was to be found. How late was it anyway?   
Fiddling with the coffee maker he glanced over to the digital clock on the stove as reality hit him hard. It was 10 a.m in the morning. He hasn't slept that long in ages but obviously had been in the need for it.   
Waiting for the coffee to brew, Lauri eased a cigarette between his lips and dragged the smoke along, not caring a second to open the window behind him. Usually he would leave it ajar at least while smoking but today he couldn't be bothered. As he snatched the cup with the sugar cubes along with the carton of milk from the fridge. The machine rattled and just finished brewing as he took the pot and emptied most of its content into his big morning mug. The cubes rumbled in the glass as he took out two and shoved them into the hot coffee, before stirring it with a small spoon.  
"Yeah well, good morning Lintu!" he muttered to himself glancing around the kitchen. There was no dirty mug in the sink, no used knife on the table or any other trace that Jonne had been up early.   
Had all this been a stupid dream?   
Would he wake up realising he was just dreaming all this?   
Would he wake up still lying in Aki's spare room with the morning light shining into his half open eyes because Aki never managed to attach curtains?   
Lauri put the mug down, dragging the smoke deep into his lungs and poked his left arm with his index finger. It did feel quite real. What the fuck was going on? He pinched the skin above his bizes between index and thumb squinting his eyes as the short sting hit him. He definetily wasn't dreaming, he was wide awake. Again his look crossed the kitchen in a searching manner before he got aware of th enote sprawled out next to the basket with fruits they kept in the middle of it. A sigh of relief past his lips as he staggered over and snatched up the sheet.  
>>  
Sweetheart,  
I'm out with Antti we'll be looking for new guitars and properly end up in the old rehearsal room fooling around. I didn't want to wake you up, you looked in need. I hope you have a productive day and that there is a smile on your lips when I get home later. It would be a shame to miss out to smooth it with kisses.  
Love Jonne  
<<  
Lauri frowned, usually Jonne never wrote such ass sucking notes. Did he had done something wrong that he had the urge to keep Lauri in his good spirits? Or was it because Suuvi would soon be here? Suddenly his thought's were all back on her and he had put the roll down he had been nibbling at. Out of question, of course he would drop by there in the afternoon, there were still things to discuss and sort out and Dr. Mäkinen had made it quite clear that he wanted to talk with him once again. Lauri wasn't really looking forward to this part of the afternoon but he tried to reassure himself with the fact that soon enough Suuvi would be here with him. He got dressed properly and headed out for another morning in the studio. He and Pauli wanted to mix the new single for one of their artist This one was supposed to be a bit oushy and noisy about every tiny shit so he would need all his strength to fight the urge of yelling out aloud, to whatever comment would come his way if he dared to offer a change towards the picky lord of trance music.   
Pauli hugged him warmly as he arrived in time and he also spotted Aki sitting in his office filling in some notes. Properly he had come up with an idea for the cimbal patterns he had been working on with Pauli yesterday. Lauri knocked at his office shortly saying a friendly good morning before he left Aki to his own business. Soon enough the drummer would set up his drumkit and start recording snippets of ideas that were pushing themselves around inside the mysterious brain. Lauri snatched a cup of coffee doing ideal chit chatter here and there before he slowely dragegd himself into the recording booth. He flopped down on the chair next to Pauli grumbling under his breath because the artist was late.  
"He can't even be on fucking time."  
"Slow down, at least he will be gone soon hopefuly, you know what he is like." Pauli smiled.  
"Yeah so I do. He better is out of my way soon or I wrap my hands around that singing throat of pain." Pauli sniggered about Lauri's insults and pushed a few buttons here and there setting everything up for the listening seasion as the artist showed up with an arrogant glint, taking a seat behind them as if he was the king of the place.  
Lauri tried to focus on the meeting and kept his courage and the nearer lunch break came around the more fidgy he got in his seat.  
"Well I think we are finished on that one for today." Pauli spoke the reliefing words finally. Lauri sighed unnoticed and jumped up.  
"Okay. I have stuff to do. See you tomorrow." he waved a quick goodbye and was out of hearing range in a split. Pauli grinned. He knew where Lauri was heading to, it was always the same since the last few weeks. As soon as the clock hit 12 Lauri dashed off to the hospital.

Meanwhile Suuvi was sitting on her bed starring bankly at the wall opposite it. The day she would get discharged was coming closer, she just had to close her eyes for one more night and she would be out of this madhouse with all their demanding rules. She was looking forward somehow but at the same time she was afraid to death. She didn't really had an option to go to and bothering Lauri for even one night seemed horoundous to her. No matter how often he had assured her that it was fine.  
She felt like a useless big baby that needed looking after unable to cope on her own. Would it stay like that? Was this the end of the line? No more to come? She sighed glancing at the clock breifly. Lauri would be here soon for sure, he always arrived around lunch. She wished for him to arrive faster. She didn't know why but when he was around the weight on her shoulders didn't feel so real and heavy anymore, same went for Aki. Maybe it would have been better to stay at school with the, instead of letting that moron of a boyfriend talking her into skipping classes. Sure for the first time in her life she had been doing something new, something forbidden, something dangerous. Partying all night, staying up long till the early hours of the morning ad sleeping at day. She even went sho lifting sometimes.   
As she recalled those old memories pain stung into her heart. That had been the start of it all, the path where she took the wrong lane, made the wrong decisions and stayed with the wrong people. All of it just because it had been something extra ordinary back than, something out of the usual borng life she had been leading. But at the same time she knew by now that a lot has changed, not only in her life also in the life of the others. Aki and Lauri hadn't talked about work but obviously they were working because all they ever answered more or less was that they came in just after work. She didn#t know what they've been doing nor did she care and nor did it bother her. They had work, they had a task to fullfill while she had nothing to look forward to.No idea of what the future would held up it's sleeve. She sighed as the nurse on duty poked her head through the door.  
"Suuvi, come on let's go for lunch."  
"But I get a visitor." she protested weakly knowing that it would just end up in the same discussion they had since days.  
"You know that visiting hours is no reason to skip lunch so come on, the faster you eat the sooner you are back for your visitors." the nurse smiled. Suuvi snorted in frustration getting to her feet weakly. She had to play by the rues again. Everything inside her refused, her feet refused to lift or walk the distance to the dinning room, her stomach clenched at the idea of progressing food and her teeth hurt imagining there was something she had to chew soon. The weight Lauri was able to lift pressed down on her hard. Reluctantly she raised and followed the nurse. Entering the room she immidiately felt all their eyes on her and as she sat down the low whispering was making itself obvious. After the last fight they never seemed to stop talkig about her. Suuvi felt even more refuse tightening her throat like a knot. The bowl of soup was placed in front of her by the nurse as she sat down opposite Suuvi to observe her with a sharp glance. There they were again having the same battle.  
"Come on it's not going to bite you." the nurse smiled and Suuvi took the spoon eyeing the soup with disgust before she started stirring it. The low pace of circles made the water move and the vegetables floated from one half to the others. It felt childish to play with her food but the more the whispering kept up the more her throat refused to ease. 30 minutes passed and the nurse looked rather annoyed.   
"You know I can sit here all day and you won't see your visitor." she insisted. Most of the other patients had left by now and Suuvi tried her hardest to relax. She wanted to be with Lauri so bad.Her head sunk down on her propped up hand. She sighed loudly stirring the soup again.  
"Come on Suuvi, you should be eating the longer you stirr it the colder it gets." The nurse said politely. Footsteps echoed down the hall making her tense even more. She raised her hand that held the spoon not really having anything on it than some water as the footsteps stopped in front of the dinning room. Suuvi starred at the spoon full of disgust even though it didn't held anything than salty water as the footsteps marched in the room. Her eyes went up searching for the intruder and the spoon crashed clattering in the bowl spilling the soup on her top on the process. She felt her cheeks flush hard in embarassement as she took in who had just entered the dinning room.  
Her breath seemed frozen in her throat and it took her several minutes to realize she wasn't daydreaming. The nurse grumbled defeated and turned to Lauri.  
"Well, usually visitors aren't expected to enter without being announced." she hissed, glaring at him as if it was his fault that Suuvi seemed to have forgotten about eating just yet and wasn't sitting opposite her for almost 45 minutes already. Lauri just shrugged as Dr. Mäkinen appeared in the doorway behind him.  
"You can leave them now Krista." he adressed the young nurse who shook her head as she got up and left the room. Lauri took her seat and smiled as Suuvi followed his every move.  
"Hi Myy, come on. let's get this over and done with. I know the food is a pain in the ass here." He winked at her and watched her with sad eyes. Suuvi gulped down the air in an effort to find her own voice. Sudenly she recognized the dampness of her top drenched with soup and shoved the bowl away from her, lookign down at the food with accusing eyes.   
"Nah, Myy look at me. It's not the soups fault and I don't care what you may look like right now. Mäkinen gave me one option. You either eat what they force in front of you or you follow me and I take you out for lunch of your own choice. So it's up to you." Lauri smiled again leaning forward across the table and caressed her cheek. Her eyes seem to pop out of her tiny face in astonishment.

-17-  
Lauri walked Suuvi to her room where she changed her shirt and put on her cardigan before they both left for lunch. The nurse on ward glared after her but Suuvi tried to shrug it off. There was no need to bother with those stares, by tomorrow she would be gone from this place and no one would run her nerves with rules. So she thought at least. Stepping out of the clinic, the usual uneasy feeling started to nagg it's way through her chest and she tried to hide it but Lauri seemed to sense her tension anyway. Even though they properly end up in a restaurant nearby he walked her over to his car and opened the door for her. Suuvi couldn't help herself but star at him in wonder. Lauri chuckled.  
"Close your pretty mouth Myy, it's just a car, nothing special." She lowered her gaze ashamed but he just kept sniggering as he closed the door and walked his way around quickly before taking seat on the drivers side and starting the engine.  
"What do you fancy?"  
"I have no idea." Suuvi mumbled feeling slightly sick.  
"What about we stop at my lokal restaurant? You can choose whatever you'll like then." Lauri smiled seeing Suuvi blush and nod shortly.  
"Sounds like a deal." He glanced into the mirrors before setting out of the parking lot and making the way off to a cozy little ravintola in Lönnrotinkatu. Suuvi eyed the little restaurant with interest, she never been in this part of town. Lauri helped her out of the car, opening the door for her like a true gentleman as both settled shortly later on a table in a silent corner. Lauri smiled as the waiter brought their menues asking if they wanted any beverages. He ordered a coke and saw Suuvi nod in agreement. They took there time to place the order and Lauri didn't comment on her choice. He was glad she actually settled for something. The lunch past in silence as both were occupied with emptying their plates.   
"So tomorrow is the big day." Lauri sighed as he put his fork and knife down on the plate arranging them in a comforting angle to show he had enjoyed the offer.  
"Yes." Suuvi mumbled halfway through her salad, Lauri recognized the look she was casting at the dessert card and smiled.   
"Are you looking forward to it? I am looking forward to eat dessert at least." he asked and winked at her, grabbing the card himself and eyeing her with a grin.  
"I don't know. Somehow yes. I have no idea what will happen then to be honest."   
"If you want I can tell you a bit so far. Do you fancy anything for dessert?" she shrugged her shoulders looking at her salad, properly counting the amount of calories she just have had. Lauri waved for the waiter to notice him before setting his order. By the sound of it Suuvi had difficulties to calm down her throat that tried to force the food back up by the sound of him ordering 2 cups of choclate pudding. To her it sounded totally gross and the image of someone eating as much as it was used to be normal seemed weird. She sighed putting the fork down trying to breathe evenly knowing fully well that this entire silent battle she just faced was just about her and her eating disorder.   
"Suuvi?" Lauri eyed her with concern. She seemed to have zoned out of him completely, her eyes starring off into nowhere in particular. He repeated her name seeing her body stiffen for a minute before her eyes darted back to his face.  
"Did you just said something?" she mumbled barely holding his gaze longer as necessary.  
"Do you want me to tell you a bit about what is waiting when you leave the ward tomorrow?"  
"Yeah, why not." her smile was a bit insecure and the waiter setting the dessert down on the table before quickly dashing away just made her more nervous. Lauri fetched one of the cups and started to kill his part slowely but surely.  
After a few mouthfull he stopped stirring the spoon in the bowl obviously casting his thoughts where to begin with.  
"Well, I think I will pick you up at around 9 or 10 o'clock in the morning if you want, then we would drive back home and I can show you around. I guess once you are settled we could do whatever you like. Pauli gave me tomorrow off, I only have a quick meeting at 8 a.m. and then I am free for the rest of the day." he smiled sympathically and took another mouthfull of his dessert, shoving the second cup into her direction as if by accident. Suuvi looked down blushing. She was debatting rather hard if she should ask for the bowl but so far she refused to give into her craving.   
"Sounds like a plan. The earlier I am allowed to leave the better." she puffed and combed a strain of her hair back behind her ear. Lauri laughed and finished his dessert off.   
"I'm going to explode if I eat any more. Aki is not around to help me out on this one so, but i can call him if you want him around tomorrow." he patted the middle of his pullover leaning back on his chair smiling contently. A small smile raised the corner of Suuvi's lips as she watched him.   
"You still have one more to go even without Aki and I like the idea." she chuckled. Lauri shook his head in denial.  
"No way! I just can't. Feel free to go for it." he laughed and closed his eyes for a moment.  
Suuvi blushed at the offer, debatting if she should but her hand had already turned the little bowl in front of her and took the spoon. It would be too bad to let it go to waste ad she still could punish herself later if really necesarry. Lauri only wanted to be nice and denying would properly have upset him. The thoughts rushed around in her head as she closed her eyes and forced a spoon full into her mouth. The taste almost blew off her socks. Lauri smiled at the sight of pure satisfaction on her face. Thank good Aki was such a masterbrain after all. One f theose nights when they were talking about former times he had mentioned that incident they had in a restaurant when they were kids . Suuvi have had ordered her usual choclate pudding and got vanilla instead. Aki and Lauri had thought she was about to bit the waiters head off back then. So when he had placed the order today he actually was making an attept to get through to her and it obviously had worked out just fine.  
The beeping of a phone distrubed their content silence. Lauri casted a look across the room trying to figure out who had forgotten to turn his device off before realising it was his own phone that was ringing. Shameface he grabbed it and answered giving Suuvi an apologiatic look. But she was more focused on her dessert to his relief.  
"Joo."  
"I just called the studio and Pauli said you're having a day off. I wonder where you are. I thought we could spent it together!" Jonne whined at him down the phone. Lauri rolled his eyes and rubbed his forehead.  
"I'm having the day off yes but I'm busy. I promise I won't take too long."  
"So you are staying with Aki again?" Jonne asked frustration straining his voice.  
"Nope not Aki. You said you would be out with Antti so I didn't really considered me going out would be any kind of problem." Lauri mumbled sarcastically.  
"You never fucking think!" Jonne spat down the line.  
"Yeah whatever. Everything's fine so don't make a big deal about it." Lauri tried to sound as normal as possible.  
"Don't make a big deal!" Jonne mocked his voice.  
"Ok. See you later!" Lauri hissed and hung up at him before Jonne could start to yell at him again. Did actually anything at all changed? He was wondering.  
Meanwhile Suuvi had finished off the bowl of dessert and tried not to listen inn Lauri's phone call. Uneasyly her gaze swept across the restaurant.   
"I'm sorry Suuvi." Lauri snapped her out of her thoughts smiling sympathically.  
"It's ok." she shook her head trying to make it look irrelevant. Suuvi dind't dare to ask who had been on the other end but Lauri seemed to have seen the invisible questionmarks forming above her head.  
"That was my boyfriend Myy." The eplanation startled her slightly. Of course Lauri had told her about being gay but since then no one ever mentioned it again.  
"Oi" was all she said. Lauri tried to smile making it looking less awkward and decided it would be a good point to tell her a bit about Jonne.   
"I hope you will get along, he usually is a very friendly person. He's just a bit stressed out at the moment. I don't know if he will be around tomorrow, but you will see each other sooner or later anyway. No need to be scared." he assured her, crossing his fingers under the table that what he had told would become reality even though Jonne didn't like her at all so far.  
"I guess we'll see. I don't want to get inbetween you two." uncertainty made her choke the words out a bit.  
"Don't worry about that Myy. I know Jonne since 10 years or something and we are not like the freshly married couple. He's actually living with me for the past 2 years already. Sometimes he stays at his own place, sometimes he doesn't see his own front door for months. We just keep it opened, makes it much more easier." Lauri forced the words out cause they made him feel slightly sad, that he obviously was lying to her, but he didn't want her to worry about the messed up realtion he and Jonne had. If Suuvi would knew that they already broke up 3 times just to walk in on each other shortly after again she would properly be scared. She smiled shyly and nodded in agreement. After all Lauri would knew his oyfriend the best and if somene was so glad to have him, he properly was a hell of a lucky guy and friendly. They said in silence for a while as Lauri acknowledged the empty plates and dessert bowls smiling to himself. Suuvi looked a bit stressed but not to worried about the lunch they just had.  
"So I guess I better get back on ward and pack my stuff together. I don't want to keep you waiting tomorrow." She whispered.   
"If you wish so." Lauri waved the waiter over and paid with his creditcard not carring about the amount of money he just signed. Suuvi nodded and they left together. Halfway outside Lauri had to raise a fagg to his lips, it was about time to have a long dreaded smoke. he offered one to her which she gradualy accepted before they sat down in his car and made their way back. Suuvi's heart felt lighter by the prospect of going to leave so saying goodbye to Lauri wasn't this hard anymore. They hugged each other tightly as he kissed the top of her head before waving goodbye seeing her entering the ward with a small smile on her lips.  
As soon as he had parked in front of his appartement Jonne crossed his way and snorted.  
"Did you had fun at the local."  
"Huh?" Lauri shoot him an annoyed and confused glare.  
"Antti have seen you having lunch with some fangirl." Jonne puffed. Lauri couldn't restain himself and broke out in a bubble of laughter.  
"This was no fan, if Antti is spying on me he should do it properly. i was having lunch with Suuvi." Lauri choked out ad walked passed Jonne he starred after him in shock.

-18-  
Suuvi started to pack the few belongings that she had as soon as she got on ward. If she would be free to decide she would leave just yet but it was one more night left She struggled with the lunch, feeling guilty about having had so much of it but she knew, any prove that she had relapsed would seal her fate on a few more weeks locked up. Tears welled up in her eyes as she mentally kicked herself in the butt for loosing it like this. She wasn't even allowed to exercise it off. Every drop of weight would be noticed tomorow morning and she would disappoint Lauri as well.   
Sitting on her bed she bit down on her fingertips trying to ease a bit of tension. Hurting herself was as tentive as never before but the effect would be the same. More weeks with all those stubborn nurses. She debatted what to do and paced up and down the hallway. Some of the other girls crossing her way threw her disgusted glances which didn't really help either. Properly half of them was envying her for being able to leave this place so soon. Or maybe they were yealous that someone like Lauri bothered to visit her?  
Nervously she stopped in front of Dr. Mäkinen's door starring at it for a couple of minutes. She saw the head nurse shooting her a quick glance from her observation desk before stepping forward into the shadow of the doorframe. It cost her immense strength to knock very lightly and quickly. The second her knuckles left the wood regret nagged at her instantly.  
"Yeah?" She heard the therapist call from inside and the door handle in her hand felt as cold as ice as she pushed it down to open the door. Without a glance backwards she slipped inside and shut the door, hoping no one had seen her. Mäkinen turned around in his office chair to look at her with surprise written all across his face.  
"Hello Suuvi." He smiled gently and waited for her response patiently. Suuvi still nibbling on her fingertips just looked him briefly in the eye at the loss of words. Mäkinen still mustered her all over and nodded over to the armchairs, inviting her wordlessly to have a seat.  
Suuvi stumbled over and flopped down in one of them drawing her knees up to her chest and hugged her arms around them. A little scared she casted a glance in her therapist's direction who studied her every move.  
"Should I join you or do you want me to stay away?" Mäkinen asked politely. Suuvi debated for a second and nodded over to the other armchair opposite her own.  
"Okay." Mäkinen made his way over slowely as he had noticed by the time he knew her that Suuvi didn't liked fast movements. He sat down and watched her silently for a while before asking his first question.  
"Why did you knock?" Suuvi shrugged her shoulders at him helplessly. She still refused to talk much to him and Mäkinen knew he had to be very patient if he wanted her to answer at all. In the past weeks they have had countless silent conversations and spent hours sitting opposite each other without her saying one word. Even though she did not talk, her eyes gave away some of her emotions depending on the topic they were talking about.She was giving Mäkinen a really hard time no matter how straight forward he went but he knew how to handle her by now. Usually he had spent 1h after or before every of Lauri's visits to talk to him about a summery of the past events when Suuvi was with him. That gave him an idea at least and also provided Lauri with a lot of knowledge how to deal with Suuvi when things got rough once she was discharged.   
Suuvi's gaze flickered over to him every now and again he could sense how nervous she was and at least had an idea what might have brought her into his office today.   
"Well, how are you feeling right now Suuvi." Mäkinen tilted his neck to the side seeing her flinch as he spoke her name. She hugged herself tighter.  
"Are you nervous?" he tried to guess and get her out of her shell. The young woman in front of him nodded slowely. Mäkinen made a mumbling sound to tell her he had seen her reaction. He waited a while longer, watching her shoulders shaking slightly as she tried her hardest not to cry.  
"I'm scared." Suuvi finally admitted with a wobbeling voice.  
"You mean about leaving tomorrow?" she shrugged and nodded at the same time.  
"I dunno it feels so heavy...like the entire world will eat me up in one go." she sniffled.  
"Mhm. What's the worst that can actually happen?" Mäkinen asked gently.  
"I dunno." she mumbled.   
"Oh you do, think about it." Suuvi shook her head in denial.   
"If you can not name it there's nothing to be afraid about. If there is you still have the chance to come back on ward if things get to rough and you think that you'll need looking after. You know that, don't you?"  
"I do." Suuvi sighed.   
"So what is the worst that can happen tomorrow?" Mäkinen tried again.Suuvi looked up for a second, tears swimming in her eyes trying to escape.  
"What if I am just a burden? What if his boyfriend don't like me? What if it all just starts over?" the questions rushed from her lips.  
"First of all you are not a burden to anyone. Your friend has offered you to stay so he knows what he has signed up for and nevertheless you'll still have your weekly appointments so if you want to burden anything on anyone give it to me. I can deal with it, that's what I am here for." Mäkinen smiled. "Secondly you'll never know what his boyfriend will think about you, that's always the same by meeting new people. You can only try him. Don't make so much fuss about this little detail just yet because in the end its not your decision weather he likes you or not. Just give it time and see where things go. And for the last point Suuvi, I told you relapses are common, they can happen, they don't have to but can and we wouldn't discharge you if we wouldn't have taken that into account. I think with the help of your friend you will cope with everything." Mäkinen reassured her. Suuvi thought his words through looking for a hidden hint but finding no secret clou behind so she nodded. Mäkinen made it sound so easyly like a stroll through the park.  
"Anything else?" her therapist wanted to know.  
"I dunno, ye...no...maybe." she sighed scratching the insides of her hands. Mäkinen put his hand on her hands to stop her from scratching herself. She fidged but let it happen.  
"Hurting yourself will not make the feeling disappear." he said sounding very serious but friendly at the same time.   
"I know." Suuvi whispered ashamed.  
"What is creating the pressure this time, try to talk to me about it. Mabe we can lift it up a bit together." Mäkinen said and folded his hands back in his lap to give Suuvi space. He saw her blush heavily so obviously she was really ashamed.  
"Whatever you tell me will not leave this room." he reminded her softly.  
"I...I had lunch with Lauri...and well...it's just me being stupid." she sighed.   
"What is stupid about going out for lunch?"  
"I just ...I can't do this shit!" Suuvi shouted and buried her face in her hands as the tears flow from her eyes finally. Mäkinen handed her a box of tissues from the little table near by and left her in peace for a while. Suuvi kept sobbing heavily hitting her hand drawn into a fist hard on her knee. Mäkinen got hold of her hand before she could hurt herself more and prevented her from more abuse on herself.  
"Suuvi, what did I just say?" he asked gently while she struggled to get her hand out of his grip.  
"Hurting myself is no option. I don't give a fuck about all this!" she hissed her voice venom of pure self hatred. Mäkinen sighed.  
"So what about the situation will change if I let you keep going?" He tried her. Suuvi just cried harder.  
"Nothing will ever fucking change!" she shouted and curled herself up more.  
"Suuvi you know that I will not let you leave this office if you don't calm down." he said and let her hand go. Her arms were shaking loosily drawn around her knees but she didn't hurt herself again.  
It took a long while before she blew her nose and had regained enough control of her emotions to look up at him.  
"I'm just fucking miserable all the time." she whined.  
"No you're not. You're just having a hard time. Try to ease. Maybe start packing your suitcase for tomorrow it will distract you." he suggested.  
"I already did so." Suuvi smiled faintly.  
"So what else can you do?" Mäkinen asked.   
"Mabe...I dunno...maybe I should draw or walk around for a while." she looked at him uncertain.  
"Sounds good. What about you go for a walk and focus on all the small things? The colour of the gras or the sky for example?" Suuvi's eyes lit up as she thought about her therapists suggestion.  
"Maybe." she mumbled and dried the traces of her tears away.  
"Are you feeling better?" Mäkinen asked.  
"A little." Suuvi whispered and tried to give him a small smile. Mäkinen smiled as well and gave her another tissue.  
"Just in case." he winked. "There's nothing bad about crying it all out., remember this the next time." he said. Suuvi nodded and stood up from her chair, stretching.  
"Thank you so much." she whispered.   
"No problem, that's what I am here for." Mäkinen showed her the door and looked after her as she left down the aisle.   
Suuvi sighed when she left, somehow Mäkinen had managed to calm her down at least a little just by listening to her bullshit talking. He hadn't laughed or judged, made fun of her stupid thinking. Maybe just maybe she should give him a chance.   
"Suuvi!" The voice coming from ahead of her made her look up surprised. Aki was coming down the hallway and smiled. She hadn't expected to see him since he usually tugged along with Lauri for visits. This was actually the first time he came to see her on his own. He grinned friendly at her and she couldn't help but smile. A squeal formed in her throat and was released before she even was aware of it. His blonde hair was tousled all over the place and he had opened his arms. Suuvi couldn't help herself but ran up to him and jump on him. She hugged him tightly. Aki quickly took hold of her to prevent her from falling to the floor as she was half sitting on his lap her arms crossed around his neck and nuzzling her nose in the crook of his neck.  
"Aks." she whispered relief floating through her anxiousness.  
"Yeah, nice to see you too." he smiled and let her down.   
"Have you been crying?" Aki asked worried as he recognized the traces of tears that were still visible on her face.  
"It's ok now." she smiled bravely.   
"Are you sure?" Aki asked.  
"Yes, it's better at least a little." she gave him a small smile almost shy like.  
"Well, I'm sure I can make it even better." he grinned. Suuvi looked at him with wide eyes as Aki winked at her offering out his hand.  
"Where do we go?" Suuvi asked afraid.  
"Just somewhere where we can sit down in peace. Do you have anything in mind that serves this purpose?" Aki wanted to know.   
"I dunno...my room?"   
"Ok then." Suuvi walked him to her room, getting a strange look by the head nurse. That made her anger floating back to surface. Aki saw her screw up her face.  
"Keep calm. There's no danger and no need to get angry." Aki soothed when they settled with Suuvi sitting on her bed and Aki on the pulled out chair opposite her.  
"So why did you come?" Suuvi finally asked.  
"I wanted to give you something before you'll leave tomorrow."  
"You really don't have to get me presents Aki!" Suuvi exclaimed holding up her hands in defeat.  
"But I wanted to. I swear you'll be glad in the end." He opened his jacket and pulled out a pad Suuvi never saw. It was white settled in a black frame with rivets to hold it in place.  
"What is this?" Aki smiled and handed it to her. There was a name printed on the head of it saying Remo 8" practice pad. Suuvi couldn't help but stare at the small plate in her hands. The surface felt kind of rough but not too bad.   
"This is a drum practice pad. You can play on it with sticks or just with your fingers." Aki explained and showed her some of his beats.  
"Aww Aks this is amazing." Suuvi sniffled wiping her eyes. Aki smiled proudly.  
"Try it. It alwas helps me to forget about my anger so I thought it may help you." He scratched a spot behind his left ear obviously being a little overwhelmed himself. uncertain suuvi looked at the pad in her lap tipping her finger on it.  
"Does it make noise?" she asked.  
"Not really but the surface is not so different to a real drum head." Aki explained. A little helpless Suuvi looked up at him.   
"Okay. But you know i have no idea what to do with it." she whispered shamefaced.  
"Oh it's simple. Aki drummed a beat on his knee very slowely and made Suuvi to repeat his actions on the drum pad. They sat for a while going through all possible patterns they could think off and the longer Aki showed her some tricks the more Suuvi smiled.   
"This is truelly amazing." she grinned and bounced down her bed to hug him tightly.  
"I'm glad you like it." Aki smiled softly and hold her for a while.  
"I really do." she whispered proudly.  
"And if you have no idea what to do, use it as a frisbee I heard it hurts if you throw it into someone's face." Aki chuckled and made her laugh.  
"I will remember this advice." Suuvi giggled as her fingertips ghosted over the rough surface once again. It wasn't long befor Aki actually had to leave and Suuvi was called for dinner. The time had flown past both of them rapidly but saying goodbye didn't felt so bad since she knew she could see him at any time from tomorrow onwards. Aki hugged Suuvi one last time as she followed the nurse to get her dinner.

-19-  
Lauri dropped his keys on the counter in the hallway and got rid of his shoes, throwing his coat onto the hook still laughing to himself. He knew Jonne had tendencies to be ridicilous but he never knew he would pull up a scene like that.  
"Can you stop laughing about me for fucks sake!" Jonne grumbled as the front door closed behind him. Lauri just smiled at him and shook his head.  
"You know pretty well that you just made a fool of yourself do you?" he sniggered going over to their kitchen and setting up a cup of coffee. He felt drained and tired but there was no time for taking a nap. He first needed to make sure that everything was ready for tomorrow. He didn't want to spoil or waste time to pick Suuvi up late just because some things got in the way.   
"You look tired." Jonne pointed out smiling sweetly.  
"I am." Lauri responded yawning and tipping a nervous beat to the kitchen counter in the hope to encourage the coffee to brew faster.  
"Why don't you take nap. I could join you." Jonne whispered leaning closer to his ear.  
"No time for naps, I'm not a baby." Lauri answered dryly barely looking at his loved one, because his thoughts were already running up and down the list of things he needed to check or fix.  
"Oh come on!" Jonne nudged his nose on the soft spot in front of his lovers ear liking over it teasingly.  
"Are you trying to seduce me?" Lauri groaned annoyed.  
"Maybe. I know a good way how to make you relax some more." Jonne suggested winking at him as he placed his hand on the front of Lauri's jeans.  
"Jonne, I have stuff to do." Lauri sighed pushing his hand away just for Jonne to grab hold of his belt instead.  
"You, do maybe but not as knackered as you look." Lauri could feel Jonne fiddeling with his belt already as his tiny hands slipped past the waistband ghosting over the bulge in his jeans.  
"You still think you don't need a time out?" Jonne smiled as he attacked Lauri's lips roughly.  
"I can give you a time out if you don't let me get my stuff done." Lauri moaned as Jonne wrapped his hand around his growing erection.  
"So this is a handful of total disinterest, are you trying to tell me that?" he teased as he started stroking him slowely.  
"Fuck!" Lauri hissed steadying himself on the edge of the worktop. Jonen slipped his tongue past his lips assaulting every corner of his mouth as he pressed himself closer to Lauri, increasing the efforts in his jeans.  
"Jonne, we really can't..." Lauri tried to argue but was silenced in an instant as Jonne tugged his jeans down along with his undies. The cool breeze on his heated groin made Lauri shudder as Jonne kept his pace slow and teasingly. He didn't want to fight any longer and closed his eyes enjoying the sensation fluttering through his body. His blood rushing through his veins as if it would be on fire as Jonne left his lips, kissing down a trail over Lauri's jaw to his collar. Jonne smiled to himself as he pushed Lauri's top up to reveal his belly and proceeded to plaster kisses all over his heated skin.   
"Oh shit this is just..." Lauri's last words were lost in a moan echoing from the walls as Jonne licked his way down the trail of love and back up from Lauri's shaft up to the base of his hard on. The ringing of the phone made his senses kick back to reality.  
"Fuck I really need to answer that." Lauri hissed giving Jonne a glare as he reached over the counter and got the handset seeing Aki calling.  
"Ylönen." he chocked on his own name.  
"Hiya Lauri it's me Aki."  
"Yeaah." Lauri gripped hold of the counter almost loosing the phone as Jonne kept up his assault.  
"I was just jamming with Pauli and we came up with a new intro idea to Days. We thought we might rehearse on it."  
"Yeah uhm alriiiiight Aki yes...I ...I guess I ...agreeeee." Lauri hissed through gritted teeth as Jonne took his sensitive dick down his throat. He wasn't really aware what Aki was telling him while his blood was gathering in his groin were Jonne was on his knees pleasing him with his mouth and tongue. Aki kept going on about the Days intro in general and insisted on playing him a taster of the cymbal pattern he had just came up with. Lauri couldn't really focus all he was aware of where Jonnes hand that was trailing up his thight to his ass, settling teasingly on the crack of hs cheeks.  
"So what do you think about it." Aki asked full of pride for his pattern idea.  
"Oh dear lord...no, I was just...holy shit...praying!" Lauripressed trying his hardest to sound apologetic.  
"WHAT!!!"  
"I mean ...FUCK THAT...no I mean the demo is...well uhm uhm awesome." Lauri shouted as Jonne kept circling his entrance pressing his way into him slowely. His body was giving him fireworks and he had no idea what to say. He couldn't even recall what Aki had played to him.  
"Thats one way to put it." Aki started to argue obviously disappointed by his judgement while Lauri couldn't concentrate for real as Jonne started thrusting into him with his fingers. He clenched his jaw together and tried not to make any noise as he grabbed some of Jonne's dreads between his fingers directed his head in a pace he enjoyed even more.  
"Maybe we could point out the high hat on.."  
"Yeah right there!" Lauri mumbled. Aki nodded to himself scribbling on his notepad.  
"What do you think about the melody it can't be this bad!" Aki urged obviusly still not aware what he was just disturbing. Jonne smiled develishly as he wiggled his fingers brushing over Lauri's prostate in the progress. Lauri lost his balance for a moment as stars were blinking in front of his vision and he breathed out the air he had been holding in to keep himself from moaning loudly.  
"This needs to be... oh my fucking god... deeper!" Lauri tugged on Jonnes hair roughly pressing himself even closer to his mouth as Jonne choked for a moment before repeating his actions, satisfied with the result to see Lauri melt under his touch while Aki was giving him long life lectures. His cheeks were fushed in a nice shade of red already and sweat was gathering on his forehead.  
"I just thought that..." Aki started to defend his idea. Short silence followed as Aki broke off mid sentence gathering his thoughts to find another way to make the idea tasty for Lauri's standarts.  
"What about the rhythm?"  
"FASTER! I mean play it....you know sweet jesus!" Lauri mumbled exhausted as he felt his body started to shake while Jonne was still sucking him off like heaven would have sent him an angel working magic with his fingers adding a third by now.  
"Okay I could try that..." Aki sounded rather nervous and was going on about it.  
"VOI VITTU!" Lauri shouted out aloud as Jonne found his prostate again thrusting against it rapidly making him pant.  
"Okay....it's okay Lintu, so we better work on it some more." Aki sounded disappointed since all his convincing haven't succeeded. Jonne stilled his hand for a moment smiling as Lauri tried to answer just to keep up his activities mid sentence.  
"No no..I mean...I will think about the lyrics...oh fuck I'm gonna cum...over to your place tomorrow and show you them!"  
"That sounds better." Aki sighed smiling faintly as Lauri sighed heavily.  
"Yeah, tell Pauli that...oh fuck me...no! no! not that!"  
"What the fuck are you even doing? You are totally confused today mate." Aki complained. As a muffled squeaking sound came down the line and Lauri didn't respond for an entire minute just a faint panting was heard.  
Lauri was biting into the palm of his hand to avoid screaming out aloud as his back crashed against the edge of the counter and his thrusts got more erratic.  
"Lauri?" Aki asked confused.   
"You know what, I'm not even gonna lie; I'm having the best head of my life right now and I'm gonna go before FUCK...before...just bye!" Lauri smashed the red phone button and letting it slip from his hand. The phone slithering across the counter as Jonne sucked him hard. and hold onto the worktop moaning out loudly.  
"Damn cymbal patterns!" he hissed letting the emotions taking over his actions.  
Jonne started to swallow softly around his over sensitive hard member.  
"Oh fuck...Oh my god!" Lauri moaned loudly bucking his hips as his orgasm crashed over him, his release shooting deep into Jonne's mouth who struggled to catch it all.Lauri's legs were shaking like on hs first date when he finally came back to his senses.  
Jonne licked his lips after he let Lauri's dick fell out of his mouth and kissed his belly button, getting back to his feet, steadying shaking Lauri.  
"Mhh you seem more relaxed now." Jonne purred leaning closer to Lauri's ear nudging the same spot he had when they got it started. Lauri blinked at him stupidly stil somewhere between heaven and hell.  
"I guess you really need a nap." Jonne chuckled licking his lips once more and pulling Lauri over to the master bed room. Lauri didn't defend himself as Jonne ripped of the rest of his clothes and snuggled with him under the blankets. Lauri cuddled closer to him closing his eyes exhausted while Jonne stroked his hair lovingly watching how he slowly fell asleep before closing his own eyes for a few minutes.   
He wouldn't share his loved one with anyone, not even with this stupid girl who should be moving in tomorrow. Slowly he closed his own eyes for some time. His mouth would hurt tomorrow but he didn't care he could still taste Lauri on his tongue.  
3 hours passed by before Lauri woke up again rubbing his eyes tiredly.   
"FUCK!" he mumbled realising that he had fallen asleep and the memories of the happenings earlier came back to his attention. Oh how should he ever explain that to poor Aki. Lauri had the urge to call him back and apologize for his behavior but glancing to his side in search for his phone he saw Jonne blinking in the dim light of the late afternoon. His lips still seem to sparkle with a wet touch to them. He couldn't resist but leaned over to place a soft kiss on his lovers nose who wrinkled it slightly.  
Lauri slipped out of bed and toddled over to the bath. He still had to check over Suuvi's room and he needed a shower, he felt rather sticky from their earlier actions. He turned on the litte radio next to the mirror above the sink and kicked of his socks he was still wearing before kicking on the shower tap. The water pelted down his muscles making him sigh and close his eyes. Only time would tell how tomorrow would go. He just would need to make sure Jonne's lips stayed away from his crotch to avoid a live repetition of today. He didn't wanted to scare Suuvi off. Softly singing to himself he washed his hair. He had no idea where the cum in there came from maybe he simply have had a good aim. Lauri laughed to himself shaking his head slightly.  
-20-  
His mornig went exactly as forcasted and sooner than expected he was rushing down Senatori towards the studio, the coffee leaking from his cup because he was in a hurry and drenching the tissue he wrapped around the paper pot. This time Lauri didn't stumble across someone or tossed the content of his mug on someone. But his thoughts remembered the day he meet Suuvi again clearly and he couldn't suppress a smile spreading across his face at the prospect of meeting her soon.  
The clock hit 8 a.m as he left the elevator and approached the wooden door at the private entry of Dynasty Oy. With a short glance around he punched the doorcode into the small device to his left and unlocked it. Pauli was just leaving their little kitchen area with a few boxes.   
"Hyvää huomenta. " he mumbled and carried on to his office.   
"Wähhh." Lauri made a warry snorting noise and closed the door dragging his hand across his face as he threw the empty coffee to go cup into the bin right next to him. There was chaos everywhere and he couldn't be out of it soon enough. Even though they were just about to pack up stuff half the ceilling of the once cozy lounge was already missing, the rays of sun were contrasting sharply to the bare hanging wooden case that had held the big black chrystal chandelier a few weeks ago. A point of time before he and Pauli had catched up with the bills and papers realizing that things haven't paid off as they thought they would. The expensive french furniture was stacked up in the corner covered with white linen forming strange shapes. He blinked and headed off to his office the only room that was still looking like nothing had changed since he met Suuvi. He flopped down on his chair and turned on the apple computer, entering his password almost angrily as the desktop starred back at him. He took his time to sort through the papers on his desk before he snatched himself a cup of coffee looking into the reflection of his self in a pile of pots.  
He couldn't surpress a sigh as Pauli turned up to get another box for his office.   
"Lintu you really should start to sort your stuff. Everyone is halfway done except of you. Do you want me to give you a hand?" his guitarist and friend offered. Lauri starred into his mug letting the urgency of the words sink in.   
"It's ok Pauli I know. I still have that meeting on skype now with the guy of Sonic Pump. You know going through all the details after the fusion is done. I promise I get started tomorrow at least. I have to pick Suuvi up at 10ish and need to get her settled."   
"I know you have a lot going on. You look knackered. When did you even had your last proper meal? Let's go and eat breakfast afterwards." he smiled warmly.   
"I wish I could make room for that." Lauri sighed exasperated. "But I can't. I pray Jonne does get along with her. He still is so pissed off about her moving in. We were fighting so much about it the past week." Lauri rambled and tugged on a strain of his hair to look half way representable for the upcoming conference.   
"I know. But remember we are always there if you need us. Try to take it easy. I feel the same believe me. It's hard to give up all we achieved. This was our dream after all but things didn't work out the way they should. Try to look at it from a positive angle. We will have more time to do music and don't need to fight with the agencies. I'm convinced once Jonne got to know her things will sort themselves out and you can bring her along with you whenever you want to. Just keep in mind all our friends are our one big family and no one is left alone. We are all with you and will support you whenever needed. Don't take this too hard little bird. It doesn't make sense to worry about things in the unknown, you'll need to wait for them to get out of the shadows once time is up for it. So slow down and try to focus anew." Pauli patted his shoulder fatherly before giving him a quick hug and dashing back into his chamber of secrets.   
Lauri took a sip of his coffee and toddled over to his office shutting the door after he got in and placing his cup next to the keyboard as he logged into Skype. Pauli was right and he knew it. Sadly he glanced around the little mess of things he stored in here. Memories of a time when founding their own lable was something prospecting. The ring of the incoming call made him wince. He pulled himself together setting up his polite and unimpressed artificial smile as he hit the answering button.  
"Hyvää Huomenta." Nino greeted him smiling happily.   
"Hi Nino. Good morning. " Lauri retorted a bit stiff and took a nervous sip of his coffee. The other artist and manager of Sonic Pump smiled at him. He seemed more relaxed than Lauri felt in the past weeks  
"I'm glad you could make it, today. You look tired men. Do you need another 10 minutes to wake up properly or do you want to get down to business right ahead?" he asked and put a strain of his long hair out of the way.   
"Better let's get it over and done with. " Lauri crocked and rubbed his sour eyes.   
"As you wish. So how far along are you? I know I could just pass by since it is next door but things are rather hectic today. Svantje came over from Espoo to support the new band recording over here. They had a rough start. " Lauri nodded in agreement. The things Nino was talking about sounded more than familiar.   
"You say it. Things have been a bit strained over here too. " Lauri made a waving gesture with his hand and turning slightly aside to give Nino a look at his office.  
"I know they started detaching the ceilling in the lounge already and a lot of boxes are scattered everywhere but it's still a bit to go. I just couldn't even get started yet because there was so much to handle still. " Lauri sighed and took another mouthfull of coffee.   
"I know. I told you try to hurry but take your time. Weren't you supposed to go to Sweden and shot a video anyway?"  
"Yes it's still up for this weekend the equipment is somewhere I think but I had to ditch it for now cause life was being a bitch and coming up with other plans. I may as well go over the song once more. And you know we also start rehearsing with the band again. " Lauri shook his head about himself. Now that Nino brought up all those responsibilities it seemed far off from real to actually work out. He didn't feel like doing anything music alike. His stomach was churning by the pure fact of the upcoming events of the day. Nino obviously overlooked his distress if he sensed it and they kept clarifying the details for the design and other aspects like which technical stuff they would leave behind and which papers would still need signing to sort everything with the employees and KELA. The money for Ninos effort to rescue their lable has already been exchanged but this was only the tip of the iceberg so far. Officially they had agreed to work in partnership which in reality meant more like the official status gave away. Nino would add their studio rooms to the expanding area of Sonic Pump Helsinki, design management, re-aligning of rooms and the entire paper package that came along with leading a company. Lauri and Pauli would have their share of the cooperation and they agreed to keep releasing with the brands name Dynasty Oy nevertheless but once it all was sorted they would need to book their appointments for recordings and other stuff like every other band that held a contract with Ninos company.   
The freedoom of doing whatever and whenever they wanted vanished into nothingness. They still could meet up at the grotto, Pauli's little private studio over in Singapore, but it wouldn't be the same. No big parties that did last 3 days swallowing thousands of euros, no more worries about buying live equipment for the stage. All this would be up to Nino now and leave Lauri room to do what he wanted - making music. The past 4 years were run by an office job and responsibilties beyond his control not giving him real time to be creative. It was two years ago that he started to realize such things do effort more time than he was willing to offer. The meeting went on for another 30 minutes before Lauri and Nino had agreed on several small conclusions and the call finally ended.   
Lauri was close to throw his head on the desk after the chatwindow and programm closed down leaving behind just a desktopimage of the companies logo. He whirrled around in his desk chair glancing at the picture of praying Björk taken from her album Debut as if it would held the answers to his never uttered question. Was he actually doing the right thing? Going the right way? Or was this the end of the story? The clock at the corner made him sigh even more as he turned of the computer to make his way over to the hospital. He was just about to go and fill Pauli in as the phone on his desk started ringing. For a moment he was tempted to leave it for the answering machine or somebody else to answer but then flopped back into his chair to get the call mumbling into his empty coffee cup. It could have been important after all.   
"Ylönen?"  
"Oh I am surprised you grant me with an audience. I was just wondering where you went because when I came home you were lost. " Jonne snorted irritated making Lauri groan. Maybe it was this entire mess in combination withe the echo of rushing around footsteps giving him head ache but maybe it was the fault of the studio after all that he and Jonne have drifted so far apart from each other.   
"I'm sorry I had to work you know. Someone needs to pay all the bills. " he murmered sarcastically.   
"Little hard working princess you are. Why don't you start dating you retarded office then?" Jonne grumbled at the end of the line.   
"What about I'll cook dinner tonight after I picked up and settled Suuvi?" Lauri offered trying to sound gentle.   
"As if this would change something! You know as good as I do that I don't want her staying with us. I am not going to be the fucking babysitter for your insane groupie. " Jonne hissed.   
"I never asked you to!" Lauri raged feeling his bloodpressure rising and the speed of his heart accelerating from fury.   
"What weird image do you have in mind otherwise? You do not even have time for me but want to look after some lost case? Is this giving you the kicks? Press promotion? The glorious Lauri Ylönen taking care of some fucking homeless slut?"  
"Jonne!" Lauri hissed through clenched teeth. " You may should do whatever the fuck necesarry to calm down. I will not debatte her moving in with you! I will go and get her and you better get yourself on track or at least fuck off while we return." Lauri growled and hung up on him. He was already running late as he stomped off to Pauli's office to give him a short briefing about his settings with Nino. Pauli nodded to it in agreement with a thankful smile before he continued to pack up his belongings. The framed pictures of his girlfriend were already gone from his desk, so where the self printed posters of Singapor he had have put up on the opposite wall. He seemed just as sad but at the same time a thankful and blessed to be able to go back to making music.   
As the door clicked shut behind him, Lauri wished to be a bit like Pauli when it came to turns like this one. He sighed and pushed the button for the elevator to get down to the parking lot in the basement where he left his car most of the time. This privilegue would stay after all and he was already digging for his keys in the pocket of his coat smiling slightly after he recognized the car was in the same condition as he had left it. The clicking and lightflash of the central locking irritated him for a second before he took a seat and slammed the door shut. Darkness around swallowed him as the light on the ceilling faded and he rested his head on the wheel before he put the key into the ignition and kicked it on. The light turned on again lighting his surroundings in a dim light as the engine came to life purring ever so softly like a newborn satisfied kitten. There was no more time left to waste and with a heavy sigh he stirred the car out of the parking lot and left the car park turning to the right and following Työpajankatu till it crossed the main road Sörnäisten rantatie. He passed the metrostation of Kalasatama and headed over to Junatien silta. The traffic lights weren't really on his side and it felt like forever till he reached Teollisuuskatu and could head straight to the hospital. The last turn at Savonkatu seemed to be overcrowded today. It literally seemed to be his fault for getting into the lunchtime traffic jam. Lauri was close to loose his temper but he gritted his teeth in frustration before turning of the engine in the next best parking lot and fetched the smile back on to not disappoint Suuvi.  
Peeking into the review mirror he got out of the white Lexus and locked it before walking up to the hospital lobby. As expected he had to go and pick her up straight from the ward otherwise they wouldn't let her leave. This was one of the compromises he had arranged with Dr. Mäkinen before he agreed to discharge Suuvi earlier then usual.

-21-

 

Suuvi stepped outside tugged into her warm coat as the icy wind took hold of her hair and bit her face. She blinked, the wind stinging her eyes slightly as she looked up and down the sidewalk. An old lady was having a round with her little dog, both marching through the thick snow while she babbled happily towards the puppy dog and a few cars crossed the streets. Suuvi paused, her hand still resting on the handle as she tried to recall the reason why she’d gone outside. She wanted to sneak around the studio to meet with Lauri and Aki before Jonne would be coming home from shopping. Avoiding him as best as she could in the past days was hard but not impossible. Lauri never mind having her over at the studio or rehearsals. Suddenly unsure fear started nagging through her. There was no reason for her to be afraid right there and then but the feeling increased with every moment. Suuvi needed to gather her strength and made a step outside, losing the secure grip on the handle of the house. She groaned feeling a major migraine approaching her silently, nagging through the back of her skull more forward till it felt as if someone would have put a rope around her head and pulled it tighter with every breath she took.   
“I can’t do it.” Suuvi mumbled to herself as she rushed back in the hallway stumbling up the stairs almost in a daze. Suuvi had difficulties to get the key back in the lock of Lauri’s door as her hands started to tremble badly. Almost afraid she might break the key in the lock as she pushed it sideways and pressed the door open in the same time. The pain in her head grew stronger and her breath quickened as she stumbled inside, hearing the door bang shut loudly. The nausea was rippling it’s way from her stomach upwards and she blindly found her way to the bathroom breaking down to her knees in front of the toilet. She tried to hold on to the sink to support herself, barely managing to open the toilet lit before the nausea made her retch and spit. Black flakes danced in front of her eyes as she vomited hard and the tears started to flow down her heated up face. The panic making her tremble violently on the cold tile floor as she choked more. She didn’t noticed how the door went and Jonne came back nor was she able to pay attention as he most likely had followed the noise she was making, standing in the doorway watching her puking her inner out smiling fierce fully.   
“Aww is Lauri’s little princess feeling sick?” he snarled at her, his voice barely making it through to her ponding head that felt as if someone would play a fucking drumset in it. Another wave of panic made Suuvi gag painfully, the acid burning up her throat as she got aware of Jonne starring at her. She stared at him with wide eyes feeling how her breath caught in her chest making it unable to move before the next wave of nausea forced it’s way out of her, tearing her face back to the toilet bowl in front of her but not missing the evil icy smile Jonne showed her, before walking out and turning on the TV and turning up the volume to drown out her noise as Suuvi kept on vomiting hard.  
Cold sweat was covering Suuvis face as she clung to the toilet bowl fighting to keep her senses together as she felt herself slipping away even more with every wave of panic rushing through her head, making the sting between her eyes even more painful before she passed out on the bathroom floor.  
Lauri came home early this evening after they had just called it a day at the studio and kicked his shoes off being greeted by the noisy TV and a laughing Jonne.   
“JONNE!” Lauri yelled. “TURN THAT FUCKING VOLUME DOWN!” Jonne lowered the volume just slightly as Lauri came into the living room rushing past him in a hurry to get into the kitchen and fetch a cup of tea to warm up from the freezing winter that still clung into his bones. He rubbed is face irritated sipping the ginger tea as he eased himself on the sofa looking around quickly trying to make out where Suuvi has gotten to. He had hoped Jonne and her would get along better than they did but it seemed more like they kept avoiding each others company than spending any proper time together at all.

  
Suuvi starred in front of the paper for more then one hour. She started of pretty well. The outlines were clean and neat, the shadows accurate as the feeling of disgust rose suddenly. grabbing hold of her like a drowning wave.   
She hated it. how childish was it to draw some stupid lines on a piece of paper when the hate was inside of her. She started to pull thick black lines of marker over her drawing, usually she used it to finish up the details now she just pushed the pen across 2 hours of distraction. Every line thicker than before, pulled with more force. She wished the pen would be a knife, a razor or something simliar sharp and the paper would be her body. It didn't help her to cope. Maybe it would work the other way? She janked back the sleeve of her pullover revealing all the tiny red marks. She grabbed the pen tighter bringing it down to her arm as she suddenly remembered what her therapist once told her. She started to draw a butterfly quickly followed by another one and shortly after her entire arm was covered with scraps of butterflies. but instead of calming her down she still felt the rage of hate boiling inside of her.   
No pain to cover up, no relief. Suuvi pulled hard on her hair in pure frustration. It's just one more hour. Aki will be back in one more hour she tried to tell herself. but no matter how often she repeated it, the feeling grew stronger and more intense. It felt as if the self hate would split her apart.   
"He's just a phonecall away!!!" She screamed on top of her lungs into the semi dark room as evening set outside. Nervously Suuvi paced up and down the room her eyes searching for something to get her off the edge and back to sanity. She could feel the reality slipping further away from her. It started with chills, then her feet grew numb followed by her hands as she stopped drawing, franatically her gaze wandered up and down feeling the cold numbness creeping up her spine and front, slowely engulfing her heart.   
She tried breathing calmly trying her hardest to fight the urge of self mutalation. She couldn't cope with it. Her eyes fell on the pencil sharpener next to her sketchbook, the light reflected in the dim night. Sharp revolution.   
She picked it up looking closely at the screw that was holding the blade in place, before she knew it her fingers were already trying to unscrew it but the little peace of metal been resistent. She tried to get it open with her teeth and finally the plastic splittered piercing her lip in the progress.   
Tasting the tiny bit of blood in her mouth pushed the final switch. She spat out the blade, picking it back up in her hand and surely but slowely violet poisened crimson lines ripped apart the wings of the butterflies. Suuvi didn't realised what she was doing, she wasn't aware of the force she used to sink the blade deep into her own flesh.

  
"Could you please stop starring at me for fucks sake." she yelled unable to cover up her annoyence for once.   
"Don't loose your temper Suuvi. It's just the tabloids. You know what they are like. They pierce everyone. " Aki mumbled into her ear and pressed her hand reasurringly.   
"As if there would be something so interesting. "she whispered shamefaced. "It's just me.   
"You look gorgeous tonight, don't doubt it. " Aki lead her to the table in the second row apart from the stage and placed a soft kiss to her cheek when no one was watching.   
"I can not believe you made me do this. " she mumbled and looked down on her lap.   
"I'm sorry but it's just so boring to endure the entire Emma Gaala all on my own. Lauri will be here too. " He assured her once more.   
"And so will be Jonne. " she whispered and hid her face in Aki's shoulder.   
"No, he won't be. Not at our table at least." Aki said patting her back. He wasn't entirely sure if Negative had been invited. He had asked Tiia the photographer but she didn't know it either. At least he knew Lauri wouldn't turn up with Jonne in tow. Till today the press hadn't had one single clue that he was gay at all. Shortly after they were settled Aki spotted Lauri who was looking for their table talking to Paula from PmmP who covered up his missing partner. Aki waved at him and instantly Lauri's shoulders slumped forward in relief as he said his goodbeys to Paula and her boyfriend and made his way to their table.   
"Hi Aks. Hi Myy. " a warm smile spread across his lips. "So nice to see you two weirdos again. " he chuckled and took his seat.   
"You're one hell of a weirdo yourself Lintu. " Aki mocked back. Lauri showed him his finger in return.   
"On the way I properly had to give 50 interviews or something. " Lauri moaned and his gaze swept across the room.   
"I didn't have one. Properly because Suuvi was distracting them all with her beauty. " Aki laughed.   
"Ah so that's the reason they pestered and pierced me. Be glad we are not awarded tonight. " Lauri laughed.  
"I so am. Eero and Pauli are chilling at home while we have to sit and face that boring dinner. I hope it at least will be good. " Aki patted his tummy seeing Suuvi flinch at the prospect of eating in a room with so many people.  
"No worries dear no one is watching us. They will all face the stage." Aki quickly tried to reassure her. Suuvi nodded shortly and recognized the tables around them getting more crowded. It made her terribly nervous and she could feel her hands starting to shake slightly while her heart picked up speed. She closed her eyes tightly trying to fight back the first symptoms of a panic attack while Aki and Lauri chatted about band stuff. The dimmed light around them seemed to brighten up as the show started and all eyes went over to the stage where the moderator Pasi kept bubbling in his microphone. Suuvi could feel her blood rushing in her veins, her heart beating a too fast pace as the words from the stage started to blur in her ears. Aki and Lauri glanced at her worringly. Suuvi reached for Aki's hand under the white table cloth pressing it tightly. She felt like breaking his hand while all she properly did was holding onto his fingers lightly with her ice cold hand covered in sweat of fear as the room started spinning. Aki's thumb drew various patterns on the back of her hand as he leaned over closer to support her.   
"Nothing is going to happen to you. You are safe. I will take care of that. " he whispered into her ear while she hid her face on his shoulder panting heavily.  
" It will pass hun."Aki kept stroking the backside of her hand while he nodded over to the waiter. Lauri understood without further remarks and fetched a glass of water from the offered tablet mumbling a short: "Thank you!"as the waiter left them, before forcing the glass in her shaking hand. Suuvi tried her hardest to pull herself together lifting the glass with her hand trembling badly as she choked it down her dry mouth in one single shot before leaning back against Aki's shoulder.   
"Any better?" he asked softly.   
"Will survive. " she mumbled sounding deadly exhausted. Lauri exchanged the glasses placing a refilled in front of her as the menue started to be served. Aki held Suuvi tightly covering up her face with his hands as the waiter looked at them curiously. Lauri shot the guy a glare of death leading to him hurridly leaving their table.   
"Someone should have placed his ass on the grill." Lauri mumbled and looked at the menue on his plate while the second artist of the gaala was rocking the stage ahalf.

 

 

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